This one makes me laugh. Some people may say that I'm living the life. I'm almost certain people would have said that about a certain life from a lifetime ago. I laugh because "living the life" makes me wonder, "who's life?"

A conversation with myself (and another, potentially) is necessary so I don't get trapped into living a life I don't want to live. It was not enough; that phrasing is better. I never thought I wasn't enough until I was told that I wasn't enough. That one struck me down. If someone knows buttons, they know how to press them so well as to destroy me. I was immediately defeated. I think upon times where this might have been the case. I am now unable to repair the past. I can never change what happened, but I can make attempts at repair. I can concede that I did things in a wrong manner. I will not concede that I did not have good intentions throughout, and remaining. My context doesn't seem to matter much anymore, and that's just sad. The whole thing makes me sad. Then, after the sadness, I don't seem to reach an understanding. I only come to the conclusion that the future looks way different than the past. I choose not to live that life anymore. I am choosing smiles and happiness.

I have an opportunity every day to work on myself and remind myself to breathe and smile at life's little annoyances. I am erasing the past and making changes. The changes are evident in how I handle all situations. I am more interested in others and their feelings. I am understanding of them, especially when it differs from my own ways. I am using different language to not have unintended effects on others. It's a good thing for me. It's tough, and sometimes there's a voice in my head that just wants to scream and win and be heard and be understood and all the stuffs. That voice is similar to the one that drives me forward no matter what. I do not stop, and I am relentless. That's not how to treat every situation. But it's definitely how to treat some situations. Discernment becomes critical at that stage.

I am a defeated and broken man. I am an awesome and adventurous and sexy man. I laugh at that last one because sexy comes from confidence, and I don't have any. The confidence will return one day. The courage will return one day. I'll be sexy again 😉

I have been using this outlet for all of the various means, and wrong ways. I am remaining anonymous still. Some of you might actually know who the author of these words is. And I was definitely wrong about not wanting to talk about this stuff. I do want to talk about this stuff. I had a moment where I was just angry, and it came out in my words. I was hurt, and it turned my keyboard to a punching bag. Hey, I thought that might be better than using a person as my verbal punching bag.

I am hesitant to say how some things made me feel, out of fear of being attacked. I have been attacked about that before. That may be the baggage that I carry forward. I am just not confident in my words, and I question myself.

Not all conversations are tennis matches. Some words are just an expression of something being felt that's deeper. I recognize that I was not the cause of many things, I was the exacerbater. I heard it wrong. What was said was not meant as a judgment of me. The comments about things not being enough, and I think they just wanted more. They couldn't be happy with what it was. I didn't realize what they wanted more of, and I judged, silently, thinking they thought something. I also know that I have said things that weren't understood in the way that I said it. I may make a comment about a boat being a huge boat. That doesn't mean my boat isn't big enough. I love my boat! I don't want a huge boat. Huge boats aren't for my style. I am into a sporty, fit boat with all the right proportions. A sexy, sleek boat that is just damn gorgeous. I am into the boat that has the internal features. There is something about the features of the boat that attract me way more than the size. Does your big ass boat have a bubbly water delivery system? Didn't think so, and that's one of the things I love about my boat. Does your boat have a neck and foot massage built in? Didn't think so, and that's another thing my boat does. My boat also has an amazing internal computer system that gives me all the music I want to listen to, and it can tell me where the fish are, and it can detect storms, and it can also just be there in the harbor and still be so damn amazing. It takes care of me and everything I want. My boat checks all the boxes. It's not about having any boat. It's about having this unique and special boat. It was made for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I love my boat.