Learning the hard way takes time, but there is a way to shortcut the process. We can learn more and learn faster if we take the experiences of others and humble ourselves enough to take advice. Coaches and mentors can give us this learning experience.

I've tampered down the anger as of late. I feel less and less about that girl I met on the beach. As you may remember from past articles, she had a weirdly strong effect on me. I can pinpoint most of the source now. I still gotta say this though. She turned out to be the biggest disappointment. Selfish behavior and a lack of long-term interest in building something are the traits that turned me off. There are things that do it for me, but I am glad I had the time to reflect. The effect was because of me, not because of her. I felt. This was new for me. It was a strange feeling that I had no idea existed. I carry that forward with me. Good memories, not so much. Random sexual encounters on vacation are not what I consider to be the good memories of a person. I don't remember he, and I barely remember the sex. The thing I remember is how shallow she is. She lacks a depth. She lacks skills. This is a bit much. She is not shallow, that was the wrong statement. It didn't capture what I meant. She lacks a caring for others that aren't there, that haven't been around for a while. If she ever reaches out to me, I don't know how I will respond. I can imagine, and have imagined, that I will be too busy for her. She is a waste of time. I found everything I need right in front of me. I did not need to travel 10,000 miles to find something that was missing. The thing that was missing is me. I am the thing missing. I spent much time in my head convincing myself that I needed something that wasn't here. I was wrong. I was blind to what is here. Back to her for a moment. She was a glimmering light. This light reflected on my body, mind, and soul. It was enough to bring forth things that had been buried for some time now. Years go by and I don't let anyone know me. I run away in search of something more. I say all this, but there is a piece of me that wishes I could be so simple. I am broken. She is broken. She is out trying to fix herself, and I am here working to fix myself. I can only imagine what things will be in time. I can't imagine what things will be in time. I can only sit in darkness groping at the walls to guide my way. I am blind to what can be or what will be. My imagination is broken because of the deep sense of anger I have toward the world because of the deep sense of hatred I feel toward myself. She, on the other hand, looked to have it all together. That was incorrect. She is worse off than I am. She may have money, she may have family, and she may have a sense of abandon that allows her to just go. I don't have money, I don't have family, and I have a sense of responsibility that does not allow me to go. I made commitments, and I show up. I want money, I want family, and I wish I were just free to go. I can be free to go, I don't need money, and I can build family. What would, how would I really enjoy spending my life. If I do that, I can forget the money. This large block of text has been a comparison and does not match the title of the article at all. I wanted to bring these thoughts forward because I am trying to convince myself it would never work to make things easier on me. I won't tell her any of this. She can read it here. This phrasing is important. "She can." She won't, but then again maybe she will. Nah, Drake. She most assuredly won't. As the dust is settling, she is nowhere. She fucking sucks and cares not for me. She cares for something. She was nice enough to not attack me. I will return that kindness and not attack her. If you do read this (which you won't because it does not matter to you), know that I experience a deep sense of gratitude toward you. You do not show the same toward me. You are an amazing woman, and you will be successful. I write these thoughts because I have them. I learn these lessons because I have experienced all sides of this coin. Coins do not merely have two sides. I'll say this to round out the paragraph: I hate you, I love you, and I hope you're well.

Coaching.

I once felt coaching was unnecessary. I thought I could learn it on my own. But I must first learn it the correct way to know how to bend those rules. I can use grammar in ways to evoke different meanings. I can only do this because I know the rules, know the proper way, know what meanings are brought forth when using the supposed correct way, knowing the correct rules and allowing the meaning to flow through the words into the readers mind, having a sense of what could be, and a sense of how it all comes together in the reader's mind.

I didn't make the shit up as I went along. I didn't test the effects, and I don't take feedback on this writing because no one reads it. This is purposeful.

As with certain skills I possess, I can do the thing. We'll take a random example that could be illustrative of this (you see that undefined pronoun, that could almost mean anything because it could reference many things, but I allow the reader to fill in this blank, and the reader's answer gives them an opportunity to think for themselves). I watched people juggle once. I thought to myself, where did they learn this shit? I also look at other skilled folks and wonder where their skills came from.

I was seeking coaching in skills the other day, and I was astounded to hear him speak about his coaches. I spoke with Olympians, and I was astounded to hear they have coaches. I spoke with wealthy folks, and I was yet again astounded to hear them speak of mentors. The best have coaches, why would I not have coaches.

Coaches cost money. I have never really had money. I fear spending money will land me back in the poverty I once knew so well. I still know poverty. I may not live in it anymore, but I know it. It is like our hometown. We may not live there any longer, but we know it so well because we spent a lot of time there. For me, this is poverty. That was my hometown. I've long moved away, but it is a huge part of who I am today.

I wake up every day scared I will slip away from my current state of being, not being poor. I do not have money because I do not spend money. If I'm too afraid to spend the money, I will continue in this poverty mindset. When will I move past this mindset? Will I ever?

Let's apply this mindset to relationships. I never had any family. I had family members, but I always felt as though they weren't around. Now that some are around, I am afraid I will lose them if I do something to cause them to leave. This is my fear. This causes me to create excuses. This causes me to act out of character and beg for them to stay. They come, they go, and it never seems to don on me how much fear is inside me. The fear grips my soul and prohibits action.

I have lived in financial poverty for so long, and I have lived in relational poverty equally as long. I am afraid to lose what I have gained.

When will I feel confident enough to move forward without the poverty mindset? What must I do to make this go away? How can I overcome my past? When does the beat dog stopped being skittish? If this never goes away, how can I use my thinking brain more than my animal brain to recognize when it happens and move forward anyways?

This is Learning Made Hard.