Someone made this mistake with me, and then I went and did it twice the next day. This one is a close cousin of "know your audience." A friend of mine pointed out that knowing your audience is difficult to do because people's states change from moment to moment. The current state will affect the reception of information.

Let's define a couple things so you can follow with a better understanding.

We are speaking of actions. The actions we take and the words we say (actions) may have been intended a certain way. The effects of those actions are the effects on the receiver. The disconnect between the two is something of great concern to me. I have come today to explore the lack of congruence in these two.

Time for an example. Examples can provide context and give more than a simple description and high-minded explanation. Let's take a look at the point where rubber is meeting this road.

Rubber walked into a bar, and across the room its eyes lock with the road sitting at the far end of the bar, drinking with the sidewalk. Rubber sits at the near end of the bar, and after rubber gets a couple doses of liquid courage, it rolls down to the other end of the bar. Rubber takes a look at sidewalk, says to itself, sidewalk is really not who I should be with. Sidewalk knows it shouldn't meet rubber. Sidewalk doesn't like rubbers as a rule, and rubber knows better than to meet sidewalks, even if rubber is drunk. Rubber shouldn't meet sidewalk because that would be trouble for rubber, and it doesn't want there to be any issues with the bouncer. But with road, now there's a match made in heaven. Rubber walks straight up to road, introduces itself, and the two meet. This moment of their meeting is where we will start our analysis. It's the real stuff. Not the imaginations of the two too afraid to meet. They must take that leap of faith and both throw caution to the wind, looking forward to staying in contact for a long, long time, forever if they can.

Oh, oops, that's the back story of rubber meeting road, but we're talking about moments later in the lives of the two.

Back to the learning...

We were discussing intentions and effects. The example I had in mind comes from an interaction I had a few days ago. For the motivation, I say, thank you. For the actual negative effects, I say, fuck you. For my actual effects that differ from my intentions, I say, fuck me.

Someone from the past reached out to me "as a friend" (we'll hit this topic later). The conversation took a turn to the past, not the future. Person says, I'm not sure if you want to meet because of the way we left things (I am trying to leave out gender, but I feel we need to add that for context). She and I met several years back by happen-chance in an airport. We lock eyes, and I took the step to go say hello. We talked, I got her number, we talked more, and eventually, when we were back to where we came from, I drove to see her. I really just wanted to get laid, and she lived in a place I wanted to go, so I took the drive. Several hours later, driving through the night, I arrived at her place. Things happened, I left. She came to see me a couple months later. I was a dick. I was drunk, for sure.

When she mentioned how we left things, I jokingly said I was probably drunk. Then she threw some bullshit out there by saying that I was probably doing drugs. I don't believe I was; I don't remember that part, don't think it was the case, but maybe? After I said this, she says the thing that really pissed me off. She says, "truth sorry." Go fuck yourself. I thought that but did not say it because I am no longer that dick from the past. I am no longer that boy she met, I am the man who I am today. I didn't know what she referenced, and she kept going. I told her I wasn't having this conversation, and she apologized, but it was too late. The bell could not be un-rung. She said she didn't not intend it that way. The effects were already present, and the damage had been done. No amount of words can undo that damage.

I don't know what her intentions could have possibly been. There isn't a joke there, there isn't a healing, there isn't anything but an accusation. I don't understand what she could have been saying other than I sucked in the past, and she thinks I still act in those ways. How could this have been interpreted? What could she have been thinking? How did she think it would be received? I believe she didn't think at all. The message did come through quickly, indicating the lack of thought before the speaking. She don't think that fast...

It is what it is. I wrote a paragraph to explain the effects of her words. Again, and several more times later, she apologized saying that was not her intention. She said, more than once, she wanted to see an old friend. When the fuck were we friends? I never considered us that. In my mind, we were two people who met and slept together. Just another notch on the bedpost. Not sure where she got the idea we were anything more than that. We kinda (iffy) stayed in touch for a couple years after that last meeting. Honestly, I just wanted to sleep with her again. Shortly after our last conversation, she got married. I deleted her from the list of potentials. I had already begun the process of growth and change so I respected her marriage. We stopped talking. She had babies. She seemed to like what she was doing, and I wished her well (we know what that means lol).

Not friends, I certainly don't think so. Just some rando. Good memories, nah. A good story for me to tell, yep. I fucked that up all by myself. It wasn't meant to be. I didn't really like her anyway, and our lives were never compatible. Her intentions, whatever they may have been, did not match the effects at all. To her credit, she didn't know. She only knows one thing about me, and she got that wrong too. I've evolved to higher levels, and she didn't know that. Guess why. We're not friends, that's why. She doesn't have any part in my life. I don't care if you're close. We're not sleeping together. What the fuck would we do. I don't know you, you don't know me. I don't need some half-ass friend in my life. I've got enough of those, and they're time consuming. Time I don't have to waste.

Now, for my faults. Let's address those. I was speaking to someone who I have interacted with for about a year on a professional level. We do not interact outside of our professional relationship. This relationship has grown, but friends? I don't think that, and I choose not to think that. This will end one day, and in 300 years, we'll both be long gone from this earth. I was speaking with her and shared something personal (story above) because it was on my mind and she had asked. She had a look on her face of confusion. She asked a question for clarification. I transferred the negative mood and directed it to her. My intention was not to attack her, but I did. I did not apologize in that moment. She kept that confused look on her face. It stacked on my pissed-off feelings toward that other person, and I directed it toward her. Fucked that up.

I was upset that she stopped me for clarification when I was in the middle of speaking. I kept that train moving but switched tracks toward her. My intention was to explain and remove her confusion. She had a slightly less confused look on her face, but it was still there. This pissed me off that I had to say it three times before she understood, and she didn't even look like she understood at the end of three explanations. This was the source of my frustration. If we had been discussing when I had a cool head, I don't believe I would have had such a reaction. I got wrapped up in my feelings and didn't think of hers. The effects of what I said, did not match my intention. Intention to explain, explained it all fucked up, effect was to upset her.

Probably made her feel like shit, and for that I apologize. She didn't do anything; she was attempting to understand in earnest. I know this, but I was in a silo of my own thoughts and anger. She got something she did not deserve, she got to see a side of me that comes up when we're not speaking. She got misplaced, misdirected anger (you're not you when you're hungry - metaphor). That side shows often. But she is never around to see it.

I have the capacity for asshole, dick-ish behavior. I must be mindful to not misplace that capacity. I don't know if it will ever go away, but I can take steps to recognize when it happens. Recognition in the moment and creating space between stimulus and response are vital to keeping the cool head I so desperately desire. Daniel Goleman, 'preciate you bro, EQ is a thing, perhaps more important than IQ.

My second fuck up, I did apologize for. And my apology left me vulnerable. I took the step to apologize because I recognized what I had done, or what I thought I had done. I took the step to show that I care. I took the step because I like this guy, and I didn't intend to cause the effects that I perceived. I basically told him he was flaky, followed by a "haha". But the "haha" did not undo the effect, and I realized it after I got his response. He didn't think it was a joke; his response was certainly not taking my words as a joke. I intended a joke but effectuated a disparagement. I could not, in good conscious, allow it to be left that way. I lowered myself and apologized. I lowered myself to be a bigger person than what I would have been by getting angry at his misinterpretation.

He did not respond to my apology. I ruminated on this all day. It drove me mad to think I had offended this man unintentionally. Had I offended intentionally, I would have left it as such. I can offend, I have done so, and I intended it when I did. Unintentional offense toward someone I like and admire is something I will take steps to correct. I felt vulnerable, still do. I wonder if my words have caused a permanent wedge between the two of us. Will this be the end of something I worked to build? Without my handy-dandy crystal ball (lost that shit somewhere), I'm kinda fucked on my predictions of the future. Thinking without doing doesn't do much to change what happened. For that matter, doing doesn't change what happened. Doing only allows us to move forward despite what happened. It is a healing process. Thoughts do not heal, actions heal, time heals.

How do we know the way our words will be perceived? How do we know our audience? How do we know anything about another person? A strong relationship and understanding of the other helps. How do we know when we have developed such a relationship? How do we develop such a relationship? How do we match our intentions with the effects?

This is Learning Made Hard.