Here's one for the ages. Who qualifies as a friend, and what is the tipping point from friend to acquaintance?

We must begin with an analysis of what we consider a friend. Acquaintance will be determined by the elimination of qualifications that make up friendship. We will back into that definition.

A friend is someone you can call and talk to about life things. When I recently (yesterday) called a friend to ask how they are doing, what they are doing, and what they have planned to do, I was acting as a friend. We also discussed future plans to spend time together. We have not seen each other in a few weeks, and I look forward to seeing him. I enjoy his company, and he provides support for me. Friends are there when you call them, when you need them, and when you feel like the world is a lonely place.

Digging deeper, friends know who you are and what you want to do. Friends care about your well-being. You know this because their actions show it. It is not just words and empty platitudes. It goes deeper than that. My friend had a couple questions I could answer, and I was happy to help. This particular friend had a question about how something works that I have experience in, and I gave freely of my time and knowledge.

But he has given me so much more. When the thoughts of dying were taking over, he spent hours on the phone and facetime with me. He listened to me. I felt heard. I felt seen. I felt I wasn't alone. I felt he cared. He didn't just say these things. Although some of this may have been said, I would have dismissed his words if they were not followed up by the time commitment he made to help me through a tough time. This friend is an awesome person. This guy right here, this guy, he has shown me beyond what he has told me. When I ask for his help, he gives it. When I need a place to stay on vacation, his home is open to me. If he has a couch (or a mattress on the floor), he makes me feel welcome, and I know I have a place to sleep.

I am very hesitant to ask of him though. Past experience has shown that some people just want to play like they care. They may say they care, but then when push comes to shove, where the fuck did they disappear to? Huh, wonder what happened? I am not hesitant out of fear he will disappear; I am hesitant because I never want to be a burden on my friends, especially this guy. This guy is awesome, and I want to help him. I don't know how, and I don't know if I can ever repay the kindness he has shown me. I wish I could give more to him. If he calls, I answer. If he needs 10hrs of my time, I'll give him 20. He has never asked. On the day he needs me, I'm there. I got you man! Let me know what you need. That is a friend.

But there's more to a friend. Make friends with those who want the best for you. He wants the best for me, and I him. These are the friends that are additive to our lives. The other people we call friends may just be folks we spend time with. When the dust settles, I trust he will be there, and I'm looking forward to that non-dusty day. This also applies to mom. Yep, you could call me a momma's boy, not in that Oedipus way haha.

There's also another benchmark, will they be there to help you move. This one is subtle but true. It's always amazing who gets busy when the time to help comes. Not saying anything, but I'm saying something. This one is not the turning point though. Some people feel an obligation to help that may become an underlying resentment. I have something in mind, but I won't lay it out here because I can't speak to the inner workings of another. I would not dare to presume these folks are not friends, but I would say that with confidence that not all of them are friends.

How do friendships come into being? I really don't have a fucking clue. We meet people along the journey, some stick around, others leave for the world at large. There is a uniqueness that emerges with friends. Shared time and memories. Remember that one time we got lobstered on the beach; remember that time we were bewildered by such beautiful clouds in the sky; remember that time you told me everything would be alright; remember that time we cruised up north to a place you'd been telling me about; remember that time you cooked me an omelet; remember that time you talked me in to life, what you may not have realized is that you talked me out of dying.

Something special happens when we meet the people who stick around. I could use other examples of these types of real friendship, but this one is most recent, and it is a good example. Friends stick around. A key distinction is that friends are there when you're at a low point, and they care enough to lift you out of that dark place. For me, friends are not a burden, they are a blessing. What can I do to make their lives better? The importance of being earnest in our friendships is often unnoticed but so vital to the survival of the relationships. Thanks, Oscar.

Let's turn our attention to the acquaintances. These relationships (if we can even go that far) are weak and shallow. Happy Birthday, when we haven't spoken at any time in the past 10 years; hi, how are ya; or the most basic of all bitch-ass comments, hope you're well. Facebook can tell you who acquaintances are. I may know these people's names, they may know mine, but I would never call them to tell them that I am consumed by thoughts of dying to the point of overshadowing the reasons for living. I would never call them to say I was heartbroken by the girl I found to be so amazing; I would never discuss the challenges in my business; I would never share my thoughts with them. If these people disappeared, nothing would be missed. We do not make plans together, we don't spend time together on a personal level, and we would never invite them to have a role in our wedding. We may feel an obligation to invite them. Hell, we may even call them friends, but there is a feeling of burden, there is a feeling that we may be judged, and there is even the sense that we could live without them and they without us. All those things listed above are missing from the interactions with acquaintances. Friendships that last a lifetime are different than "friendships" of proximity.

You are not my friend for simply being around, you are my friend because I care about you and your well-being. You are my friend because I would drop it all to come help you move a king-size bed down three flights of stairs, onto the truck, and up another set of stairs. You can call me, and I will answer. You are my friend because you make me feel wanted and appreciated. I have something special to offer the world, but for friends, I would give the world.

Mixed emotions well up inside while I write these words. Emotions of caring, and emotions of trust, and emotions of feeling cared for, feeling loved (these may be feelings and not emotions but go with me here). Happiness, safety, security, confidence, and love (agape style).

Where do we draw the line? Do we even attempt to make the distinction? When does the answer materialize? If, by making this determination, do we foreclose the possibility of acquaintances ripening into friendships?

If these were easy answers, we wouldn't need the discussion.

This is Learning Made Hard.