This thought comes from a new area of education. The area is one of treating myself well and increasing my emotional capacity. I am learning how to be with emotions. Instead of asking, can I handle this? The new question is, how can I handle this? I have thoughts about how I may have been able to handle differently some of the situations of the past. I will try not to dwell on the past except to use it for illustration for the future. I am not mentioning the past now because it is fresh and still hurts. I am practicing sitting with those uncomfortable emotions. I take the time in the emotion that it needs. This too shall pass. What had me blinded to seeing a future? What was going on that distracted me? The one answer I keep coming back to is loving myself.

Self love means listening to my body, mind, and spirit. I can love myself everyday when I do something for myself. If I have others around to encourage self love, it is easier. It gives me permission to stop what I'm doing and to do something else. This permission helps me. I put so much pressure on myself, and I can't do everything. I am learning to take care of myself first because that's what it takes to take care of another. The way I speak to myself matters. The way I speak to others matters. There is a certain level of care that is necessary for me to survive.

Today, I meditated when I had a spare 15min. I also did some deep grieving work. I went back into the past, and I was there with the scared boy. The boy feels misunderstood and alone. He wonders what he did that was so wrong. He is crying and hurting. The little boy needs love. He is doing his best. I can give him credit for showing up and dealing with this kind of thing. There is a trophy for showing up. I balked at this idea in the past. I said the winner gets the trophy. There shouldn't be a trophy for showing up, anybody can do that. But now I see the difference, anybody could have done that, but only those who showed up did. The glory belongs to the man in the ring, the man who showed up. I knew this and gave that grace to others, but I was unable to give myself the same grace. This of course bleeds over into other relationships. It is how I treat myself.

The participation trophy should be given to encourage showing up. Just showing up for myself is 90% of the battle. Everything else will fall into place. I have prepared, and I am ready when it arrives. I was not ready before, but I was showing up and trying my best every day. I still show up and do my best every day. Even if I can't change the past, I can show up every day. I am here. I am here. I showed up. What can I do for me today? What can I do for you today?

I never give up. That's probably a strength and a weakness. I just keep going, no matter what. I am not the one who tells myself no. I don't take no for an answer. But that needs to be tempered a bit, there is a respect for another person that allows them to say no. They can say no. They can reject me. It doesn't change what I do. I keep showing up.

I show up because I care. I show up when I am tired or hungry. But if I am tired or hungry, I need to listen to the body and talk about my weakness. I need to address how I am feeling in the moment. I would have sworn that I did this. I would have bet on me allowing myself to be known. I was doing something that felt like I was trying. That's a good thing, buddy. I had the intent. I thought through what I heard, and I listened.

Man oh man, I rushed everything. I am still rushing. I just heard someone talking, and they mentioned waiting. They ask questions. They seem interested. I thought before that I was prying if I asked too many questions. My mind works different. I am different. I think of different things than normal people. These folks are having conversations about things that I find to be a bit strange because I don't know anything about what they are talking about. They are just talking to connect and share a moment. I wonder if they have goals in the conversation.

I really messed up. I am listening and learning. I am looking at myself. I have an understanding of the ways I can act different in the future. How can I handle this?

I will switch focus back to me for a minute because I need a different method to be able to handle this. One way to handle this is to shut down the company. I can make that decision. It can be for me. It is good for me to slow down. I don't want to quit before the miracle happens though. I have seen others that decided they couldn't handle things, and they moved on without getting benefits. I don't want to make the mistake of quitting. I can slow down. I can take a break. I can switch things up. I can rearrange my entire life. I can do so many things other than quitting. I can talk to the people involved to see if they have any solutions. I can handle this by speaking to the ones involved. We can change anything that needs to be changed. I can speak up about my needs, and they will understand. I will keep it in terms of me and my needs. That way, they can hear me without it seeming like it's their fault.

I had some things incorrect in previous theories. One of the theories involved the other person not needing to change. I left this incomplete. In was not fully understood what that meant when I first developed the theory. This person can do nothing, and I still love them. It is okay if they lay in bed all day. It is okay if I lay in bed all day. Some days are like that. It is okay to have rest or need a minute. I confused this before. I still had in my head that doing something was a part of who they are. This was admittedly influenced by someone else. I took their advice without questioning it. The advice made sense, and I latched on and made it part of the theory. I looked at someone taking care of themselves, and I judged because it didn't look like progress. This is one of my core childhood wounds. I was always believing I needed to perform. I would do something, and then I would get advice on how to be better. The goal was always to be better. It was never enough to just show up. I didn't get the participation trophy. I only got praise when I won. That's why it's such a thing today for people to praise me for what I've accomplished.

This area needs more deep reflection. The advice would be to do what I've done recently. But it needs to take a lot longer to settle into my brain. I haven't gotten the time to just rest. It has been work work work every day. I don't remember when it wasn't that. I need help to learn to relax.

It's okay. Let it out. Feel it. These feelings are allowed. I am not a burden. I am a human living a whole life. A whole life requires moments of grief and moments of pure elation. I tried unsuccessfully to ignore the bad stuff. That's where I now believe that affirmations have it wrong. It creates a toxic dissonance in the mind. I keep telling myself that I'm good, but I keep beating myself up for mistakes. Which one is it?!? Am I good or do I need to be better? Easy answer: both. I am perfect where I am, and I know that this is not where I'm staying, even if it feels like a long time. It's temporary, and I am getting better every day. Everything ever is change.