I wrote emotionally and I angrily pushed the publish button. I hope to goodness that I removed it before anyone read it. I have no business publishing emotional words. I know this. I almost did it again. I wrote my emotions and then meditated. Let's revise my words in a way that might be able to be heard.

I heard these songs and Molly understands: Nån annan nu; Fucking Stockholm, and the whole album. This lady is just awesome. I fucked up coming back here. Fucking Stockholm.

I am looking at myself and why this is so triggering for me.

I am triggered by dishonesty. That trigger is old. It comes from being a child and being blamed for things I did not do. I did not break it, but I was blamed for breaking it. I remember what it feels like to know the truth and still be expected to accept dishonesty.

That is why this hit me so hard.

I do not need to accept dishonesty. But I also do not need to be ruled by the trigger. I can see something. I can name something. I can ask questions. And then I can pause.

That is the part I missed. I asked for accountability, and when I didn't hear it, I kept asking. I told myself I was being honest. I told myself I was being kind. I told myself I was trying to help. I still believe all of that was true.

Truth can still be pressure. Kindness can still become control when I keep delivering it to someone who cannot receive it. I did the same thing in a different way. I didn't yell. I didn't preach. But I still pushed. I sensed it was pointless to keep trying, so I nuked the whole thing and just pushed again. That is the pattern.

This is why we can't be together. I am triggered, they are triggered. The trust was gone, and I don't believe it had existed for a long time. I couldn't tell whether I was hearing honesty or just the same words I had heard before. Looking back, I heard the same words I had heard the whole relationship and decided, fairly or unfairly, that they were no longer enough.

I am affected by this because I feel like I am being lied to. The words say one thing, and the actions don't match. I was scared and reacted. My reactions were wrongful and hurtful. I've been through that part already. I didn't need to react, I needed to respond. This is what I did the last time. I responded. But I do not know how to stay present in a conversation where responsibility kept turning back to the past. I may not have given the present enough room to be different from the past. But the present also has to do something different if it wants to be believed.

They might say the same thing about me. I say I'm nice and kind, but my actions don't match. Tell me the harsh truth, don't let me keep doing this thing because you're afraid to hurt my feelings.

I feel like I am being portrayed as worthless. I feel like I am being lied about. My motives and character are questioned, and that is triggering for me because I have done so much work on my character. I have an intention, and it doesn't matter the intention or the context. All that seems to matter to the other is how they feel. I get how you feel, and I understand how this is difficult to hear. That doesn't mean I should stop. It means I should pause. But that is when I repeated the pattern, and they repeated their pattern. I didn't pause. I see their pattern as turning it back on me to get me to stop.

I feel so gaslit and manipulated. I feel like lies are being told, and I'm asked to accept a different version of reality. If the excuse becomes "I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the whole truth" then that is the same as lying. My mother taught me that half-truths are lies.

I did the same thing in a different way. Maybe I did the same thing expecting a different result. That's insanity right there.

My pattern was to call this person out on their behaviors. Then I hear an excuse for the behavior. I took that as defense and shifting. I heard the words and understood them to mean that I should stop talking. If I had stopped talking at that point, maybe there would have been a chance to save the relationship. And I believe it could have been me trying to force change too fast. I wanted to see change in the same way they wanted to see change. The difference I keep coming back to is they don't want to hear it, and they would prefer if I just didn't say anything.

I felt like I was making myself smaller when I had to choose between saying what I saw and preserving the peace. I was asking for some consistency and accountability. They wanted to be left alone so they could stop being triggered. I understand that, and I triggered anyway. I did what I had done before.

I attempted to explain and provide some context, but it didn't matter because the context doesn't help them get past their fear. Being at fault and taking ownership shows a level of maturity that grows one's self into becoming more. It is the way to get bigger in my eyes, not smaller. Own the mistake.

I do not want others to think that I know everything, and I can come across that way. I admit that I cannot help.

But how do I say these things in a respectful way. How can I share knowledge with someone who is triggered by my words? I cannot. That's not abandonment. That's protecting peace. If we were meant to be together, they would have never left in the first place. The universe did me a favor by allowing me to learn this lesson again and again, and one more time because I hadn't learned yet.

Admittedly, this writing is littered with some reflection of self and some things I never got the chance to say because I don't know how to say them. The teacher has to fail students and tell them they got the answer wrong without worrying the student will be offended. I often wonder if I failed as a teacher. Could I have done it differently and gotten a different result?

I also want to be taught. I want a teacher who is capable of not being afraid or being questioned. I question the teacher to understand the application of the knowledge. If the teacher is mad at me for asking questions and telling them I don't understand, then I am not being taught. A partner is not a teacher though. I got it all wrong thinking I had something to teach. Even if I have something to offer, it does not make me the person to teach it.

There is growth and healing needed. If I am willing to put the effort in to grow, and I don't have confidence the other person is willing to do the same, there is no chance of success. It only leads to frustration on one part and being offended on the other. How do I say it so they'll listen? How does listening turn into action? Maybe it's not possible. I wanted to believe.

She kept revealing more places where the truth was incomplete. She may have seen that as honesty. She may have believed she was finally telling me what I had asked to know.

I heard something else. I heard more reasons not to trust. I heard more evidence that the words and the actions had not matched. I heard the same pattern I had been hearing for too long, and I started to believe it was pointless to keep trying.

At the same time, she was hearing the same pattern from me. I asked for accountability, and she heard pressure. I asked for honesty, and she heard attack. I asked for ownership, and she heard me pushing her head into the water again.

We were both right about what we felt. We were probably both wrong about what the other person meant. But the trust was gone, and once trust is gone, even the truth can sound like another lie.

For myself, if I need to set a boundary fifteen times, it could mean a few things. First, it might mean I was not clear. Second, it might mean the other person heard the boundary and chose not to respect it. Third, it might mean the boundary was technically respected, but the wound underneath it was never repaired. Either way, I need to stop pretending the fifteenth conversation is going to do what the first fourteen did not.

The boundary I set was simple. I don't want to keep bringing up the past. I don't want to keep apologizing for the past. I had apologized many, many times, and it was never enough. I didn't bring up the past. The other person did. I also said I didn't want to hear about other guys, although I stepped back from that boundary in this conversation. At this point, I was done. I set the boundary and took action to back up my words. I blocked communication.

Back on the broken bones for a minute. When my bones were broken, someone tried to do normal things and just touch on my shoulder. they wanted to be close to me, and I wanted them to be close to me. They didn't even think it would hurt, and I understand that, and I allow that. I know they want to do normal things and touch me. I was injured at the time so the regular actions were painful to me. I couldn't accept normal things because it hurt. I avoided situations and guarded my wound so I wouldn't be hurt. I sought out surgery. Doctor after doctor told me I was fine and didn't need surgery. I knew I needed surgery because the life that makes me happy requires a fully functioning shoulder.

The life I wanted needed to be completely healed from that injury, not just a deformed bone that is limited in what it can do. I did not accept the advice of the doctors saying I didn't need them. I flew across the world to seek out a surgery. It was painful. I put myself in more pain, and it even caused a scar that didn't exist before. I got the help I needed, professional help. The people telling me "I would be fine" don't know the kind of life I want to live, and they want to have some small life that doesn't fill with adventure. I could be their kind of normal if I followed their advice. I wanted to be my kind of normal and fly. That required work, time, effort, and the willingness to endure pain. I did that so that she could lay on my shoulder again. I wanted the normal things with her. I did what I had to do in order to have those normal things.

I never blamed her for breaking my bone when she hurt me. I never said that she caused the wound. I also never said that she re-injured me when she would touch the wound. She did not cause my trauma. She understood what I was doing when I took the action. I don't believe I would have been respected if I succumbed to the fate and told her she could never lay on my shoulder again. No, I want normal things.

I'm working through my philosophy here. I want to be met as an equal. I expect an equal. I am not above anyone. And at the same time, if the other person feels unworthy because they are at fault, then they are right. If the other person tells themselves that it cannot be, then they are right.

I repeated a pattern. I do see that. I know what I did. I am sorry. This is the behavior I want from another. Yes, I wish you would treat me the way I treat you. That's the problem.

We have definitely done a different kind of healing. I must also say that I cannot decide what healing is supposed to look like for someone else. I can decide what gives me confidence to continue. I don't have any confidence.

I forgive this person. I forgive myself. I hope they can do the same.