I still know that it works. That's my current theory at least. So, maybe "know" is not the right word. I took a walk today, and I had more than an hour to think, maybe two hours of thought turning over the theories. I let the thoughts come and go, and I allowed all possibilities. I still miss my best friend and favorite person in the whole wide world. I am still madly in love with this woman. I know. I know. I have been told that I shouldn't. I have been convinced that I should let her go. I have been trying so damn hard to do just that, but it has not allowed me to come back at all to the conclusion that I'm working toward, getting over her, moving on. I am letting it happen. I am not hurting anymore about it. The initial pain has passed. It is approaching three months. I am guessing it will take five years. I'm ruined by this woman. No one else has ever made me feel so much like everything was possible.

No one else has brought me such joy in the simple things in life. I never like to be touched, until she touched me. I never liked to cuddle, until she cuddled with me. I never liked to cry, until I cried with her. I never felt so loved, until she loved me.

I am fully aware that I messed things up. I tried yesterday to convince myself that I didn't like her and didn't respect her, but I thought that through and now I am on the other side of that again, a-fucking-gain. I am not happy about how I seem to be flip flopping. I cannot convince my heart to not love her. I am trying guys. I am trying everything except going and finding someone else to rebound. Nik is needing a rebound and she has supportive friends trying to convince her to rebound. I think Nik should definitely rebound. She never really liked Fisher, and he was an embarrassment, and he was threatening and mean. I don't think I said anything mean like he did. I hope not. I don't remember everything. I have a short memory. She has a long memory. She will definitely remember. Maybe I should ask her. I did that once, maybe twice, maybe more. I got what I asked for. She never asked me for things, and I just gave her all those things that she did. When someone else would tell me about types of behaviors, I would think, "wait a minute, she did that." Then when she labeled me, I threw all that stuff in her face. Not nice, man. Not necessary. And definitely not cool. Definitely not loving.

I wanted to jump back for a moment to clarify. I do not like if she stops living her life and makes it all about me. That's not an attack. It's a statement based on what she told me. She only wanted me. That's not okay. She needs to want more than that. We come together to support each other. My stresses were shared and she helped me. Her stresses were about me. I did cause her anxieties. I was the cause. I said that was nonsense, but it wasn't nonsense. It was true. She made her whole world based on my opinion, and I was just critical all the time. Okay, "whole world" is stretching it and not true. I am overgeneralizing with that. I would temper that a bit and say that she only had stress because of me. She didn't have any problems, except me. I was the problem because I couldn't be there for her and stop until we fixed everything for her. I didn't want to have to do that. I fought against it. The problem became me. I am not proud of that. I don't like it at all. I don't like it for her, nor for my sense of self. I accept and love all of her. I am standing ready to change whatever needs to be changed, but she doesn't want it. Okay, okay. I'll back off that a bit. I am still assuming she doesn't read these, but I want to write in such a way that I'd be proud to show this to anyone. I would also like to show them in whole, not in part, because there are some ugly things that should be challenged. Don't accept what I say as true. Challenge me, question me, push me. I need that. I need someone to stand up to me and tell me that I'm wrong. I cannot be allowed to get away with it. I am not allowing myself to get away with it. If I see something in myself, I will say something to myself. It is an open invitation for everyone. I also know that others don't feel the same way. I will ask permission before I say anything critical. If they ask for my feedback, I will be gentle and try to deliver the news in a way that isn't an attack but rather it is helpful. Truth that attacks isn't very informative.

I would wonder if my friends would do this for me. I don't actually wonder, they actually do this for me. I bet her friends do the same. Maybe that one girl is completely right. Maybe I did emotionally abusive things. Maybe my former lady should be done with me and move on and not look at any of my stuff. Maybe this is so she doesn't have to be reminded of what once was. Maybe it's not to hurt me. Maybe it's a mature growth toward a better future for herself. Looking back is tough. I don't like to look back. I like to look forward. Figure out where I am and where I want to go, so I can figure out which way is the way to get there.

I went through a conversation with a friend who is a bit more reasonable than some others. I had a realization during the conversation. When she told me that I had always been like that, I got a little offended, but instead of getting defensive, I got curious. When she explained how that was so, I began to cry. I was hurting and this was hurting me more. My epiphany today was in line with what she told me. I heard her say that I had not changed, I was like that from the beginning. I thought, just today, that "yeah, I was the same the whole time. That's a good thing." She liked that about me. I liked that she liked me. It was a kick in the face to find out that she didn't like it, maybe? (genuine question). I would like to just be peaceful. She and I totally work. I also don't think it too hard to forgive the past and move forward. Nobody broke trust. Nobody lied or cheated. We may have said some things that hurt the other person, but that's part of life. She might disagree. She might fight me. She might say it's too far gone. I would disagree, but whatever she says is true. I am not here to change her mind.

I heard from this same friend that at a point in his relationship when he had nothing else to lose (she said it was over) he explained to her why her actions were potentially harmful. The girl didn't like that. It got him in trouble with her. I agree with him on this one. I say that he planted the seed that will one day grow into her own understanding of how her actions may be harmful to herself. It takes time. But I believe he did the right thing, even though hard, and even though it offended, the girl now knew there was another way to see things. She would likely one day look at herself and say he was right to warn her. I only hope that soe of my words do the same. It's tough to be in the position, and I felt for my friend who had to lose that relationship. I feel for him that she wasn't ready, she wanted to sleep with other guys and travel and go around and experiment to find herself. I won't say that's anyone else I know, but if you're identifying with it, then look in the soul a bit more. I know that I went down that road. It wasn't any good, and I wish I could have listened a bit more to advice or respected a bit more those who were telling me the things I needed to hear. If I would have put my selfish needs and ego to the side, I could have seen they were trying to help me. I also think that I don't want their life, so that's why I didn't listen to them. I don't want to be like them, I might think. Even if that's true, that doesn't make the other person wrong.

I wish I would have gotten rid of toxic friends quicker. I wish I would have been able to tell people to fuck right off instead of being so afraid someone might not like me or what I'm doing. I wish I would have been more secure in myself a little earlier on. That would have given me the confidence to be a sexy man. That would have given me the confidence to not react. I was insecure in these recent months (still am). This insecurity has become exhausting for myself trying to find the right words not to offend or not to push someone away. If this is what does it, then maybe I should have stuck to my guns. It's that flip flop that's confusing for me and for others.

I see a bit more today with some clarity. I really want to be a father and have kids of my own, at least one. I could also see myself meeting a girl with one kid, then we make a second. I could allow someone else's past. I could accept. I will because I can. It might not be someone else's kid, it could be a fresh start for us both, but I am not judging or putting down another person because of what they did.

I walked a bit more, and I saw a young man holding his baby. I saw many families. I saw mother's being moms, or mommies, or whatever cute name they want to use for themselves. Mother's are god's gift to children. A father is a blessing. But mother's are gifts to the fathers as well. I would like to think someone knows what I mean here, and it needs little explanation. I was talking to myself because I'm the second most interesting and fun person I know, and the first most isn't around to talk to. I discussed how I would like to play with my kids on the beach and in the pool and in the shady spot under the tree. I discussed how I would love to read a book in tandem with mommy. We have a special bond like that. I discussed how we would show them the world is a safe place where anything is possible. I also told them that I had to find mommy first. I apologized to my children in this talk, and told them they would have to wait. I couldn't play with them yet. I couldn't teach them anything yet. I couldn't laugh with them yet. Because I still had to find their mom. I apologized that I was taking so long. They just wanted to hang out but dad must find mommy first. I know my kids will understand why it took so long. Maybe they will thank me one day. That would make me cry. The thought of it does, so I know the real thing would be just the same.

Don't worry kids! Pappa's coming! I just gotta find mommy first.

(and actively remaining coachable, teachable, humble, ready to understand that I don't know everything or anything, and willing to put my own needs to the side so I can take care of her and you guys).

Love,
Dad