It's been several days since the last article. I am refraining from an apology to the readers, but I offer the sincerest apology to myself. These writings are a part of me that allows for expression and relief from the mind that races and the mind that hurts itself, hurts through fear and criticism.

I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous place to be. I had a girl tell me a couple days ago that I should take another girl on a date because she thinks we would make a cute couple. I happen to agree. The second girl in this equation is cute. Her complexion reminds me of an olive. She's cute as can be. She's also pretty cool. She has a real job, and she is smart. Enough with the compliments, I will move on from the explanation of why she's cute.

Here's where I'm going with this. After being told about making a cute couple, I am noticing that I act differently. I am acting in a way that seems a bit more interested. I notice this girl, and I am noticing a different stance toward the actions I take when around her. Did the comment from the one affect my actions toward the other? The answer is yes. I was incepted! The seed was planted, and it begins to grow. But, this is something I don't like doing. I don't like building these relationships because they complicate things and can have tragic endings. The relationships at the friendly level are much easier to keep under control. Oooh... Control... That came out of nowhere, but I like the road where it might lead.

Control may be an issue within the deeper issues. Issues on issues on issues. Racks on racks on racks. I will not address this one here.

Back to outside influence affecting current and future behavior. The thoughts that had never been there are suddenly there. Things that were never considered previously become possible because of what another person thinks and shared with me. I must believe the words out of a person's mouth, and I must watch their actions to read for nuance and context. The entirety of communication lies within our ability to sense, but the entirety of meaning is beyond our capabilities to understand. I must put the phone away and meet people on a face-to-face basis. I much prefer to have people in my life that aren't a thousand miles away. It may be a thousand miles of physical distance, and it can be a thousand miles of time difference, and it can also be a thousand miles from each other in thought.

Distance is a killer. Time is a killer. Time is the ultimate of killers. Give it time, take that time, have control over self. These are underlying, core principles that I try to be cognizant of each and every day. I have control, and I make the choice. I can live with fear, or I can live with hope. These are not mutually exclusive throughout the spectrum; we can have both fear and hope. We can find joy, make joy, strengthen joy, and still be gripped by fear. Switch that, not while we are gripped by fear, but while we experience fear. The grip of fear is tight and crushing. The presence of fear can be dispelled, and action can proceed. Fear of itself has no power, but our reaction to the fear gives it power. We give away our abilities to choose when we have given fear the control.

I don't feel like continuing to write. I am overwhelmed by thoughts, and I am overwhelmed with all the possible combinations of letters. I have plenty of thoughts that must be translated to words. This is tough work. I must somehow take the ideas and put them here on this page (screen). I can't make my mind up lately. Do this, do that, do another, oh, wait, this other thing, and shit, there's this other thing, fuck, the phone rings, damn, I had that first thing to do, shit, it's all half done.

I bleed. I start. I wish I were better at finishing. Pare it down to that one thing. One that that will make everything else easier or unnecessary. Fuck. I was distracted again by thoughts of the future. I am debating and trying to make a decision about whether I will go to another country for a thing. This thing will cost me about $2,500. Then there's a hotel and food.... I am working out a budget. Shit, I think this has been busted by my distractions. I am having trouble focusing lately. I was thrown off my rhythm by having a guest stay at my house. It was a pleasure having someone to talk with for a couple days. I like this guy and he made an excellent guest. It was a bit troublesome for me to accommodate him because I hadn't truly planned for it. I would like to have more guests, and I know I can if my house were a bit cleaner. I can have these guests with a not-so-clean home, but I will feel better when they are here if they have a nice, clean place to rest.

Keep the house clean so you can have guests. Take this is a metaphor and run with it. Apply it to every area of your life, and you can live in confidence about having your own house in order.

This is Learning Made Hard.