Well, am I? Here's an idea that I would venture a guess that it's not only me who asks this question. Am I special?

By special, we are talking about those who care for us. Example time...

Do I hold a special place in the life of another? Mom, probably an obvious answer. Friends, a more difficult answer. Significant other, equally as difficult. Our friends may have a place in their lives for us. I still find myself questioning whether every other person gets the same treatment. There are indications that all of the actions would be taken with any other person who might stand in front of them.

The special here is related to whether others receive the exact same treatment. These may just be the standard, and we are receiving the standard treatment because we are there. If we are gone, others would receive the same treatment. For me, this is not the case. Certain people hold special positions. I share with some, and I do not share with others. I wonder if they understand this. They probably don't think about it. Maybe their minds don't run full tilt at all times, causing the mind to bounce from one thought to the next, looking for something to cling to, identifying ideas that are worthwhile and those without worth.

Distractions abound... Close the others and focus on what's in front of me. There goes that mind again... Bouncing... Had to do something.

I'm back for real. The special relationships are a farce for the ages. When we are gone, physically distant, we are replaced. Our thought fades, and those people fade. The new people take that position. This is true for me, and my assumption is that it's true for others. Those people will be replaced. We need people to confide in. We need those close relationships. If the person leaves, they are replaced. If we go away, they are replaced. It is natural. But is it?

We can't cling to the past and hope it will become the future once again. I don't think my past was the best days. I believe the future holds the best days. The future holds the best relationships. For single guys like me, it must hold something better. I see these young women dating and marrying older men. Will I be that older man one day? Obviously, yes, I will be an older man. The question remains, will I be the one who becomes special to another person. The other person in this context might be a wife. Might be. It also might be the case that I find no one to hold this special position. I cannot say. I do not know today.

I have a special type of mind. I am loyal, and I would like to be loyal to a small number of people, the quality being exalted over quantity. Some live by a different philosophy. What have we lost due to fear? The lights shine and the music plays, but we leave because we're scared we will fall to the ground, never to return again. I have mentioned this fear before, the fear that I will never find another. This has never been proven to be true, but the pattern has held steady.

As I write this one, I notice how much fear has crept into these writings. When does the fear go away? The answer jumped out as soon as I wrote that question. Never. The fear is good, and it drives action to avoid the negative consequences that are possible. But when the fear takes over and prevents action, I am lost. I am in the grip of fear and cannot move forward. I cannot find out why I have been so paralyzed. My past actions do not show a pattern of making right decisions. But it certainly does show a pattern of learning. The mind simple wanders to whether the learning has been used to change future action so as to not fall back into the same old thinking. Memory is key. I must remember the lesson and not get caught by that fear. I'm thinking about the sweetness of life. I'm thinking of life's bitter moments. I'm thinking, but am I truly learning?

Learning consists of working knowledge. The usefulness of the learning. We must be able to take what we learned and change future action to be in line with the lessons. Special, it's a concept I have little grasp on. It could be a concept that I wish were true but does not actually exist. This is movie shit. TV and movies give us a warped view of the world. Books are not much better. These are fantasy. They do not exist. But those statements may be false in themselves. I am trying to convince myself of something so I feel better about my choices. I must find a way to turn a positive out of a negative. Learning is the only benefit that comes from bad decisions.

I slit the throat of my possibility. I cannot be president, and mayor might be a stretch. This is why I have shied away from politics. One of the reasons, but we're not going down that road today. Shoot that fucker in the head and let him die. This pronoun refers to me, in the figurative sense. I gave up on suicide as a viable option not too long ago. In the scheme of life, nothing is too far away. 20years ago, I can say that now. I'm getting beyond the years I had hoped. I am beyond the age where I would have like to see my success flourish. This shit sucks. But hey, I learned, right? Let's hope so. Patterns of behavior repeat, and I take the moments to recognize those patterns so I can change them.

Will I fall or will I survive? Some wanted to break me. I wanted to break me. I certainly tried. If I couldn't kill myself, I'm not sure anyone else will be able to do such things. I am unaffected by the outside world, I have enough effect, and I affect more than other could.

Now I begin to question whether I am truly unaffected. The world has a profound effect on me. The external reality is barely reality at all because it all takes place in my mind, colored by the lens. Let's bring this to a close. Do I hold a special position in the mind of another?

One friend calls me to share things, and another friend fails to share something they once shared. I'm confused by the actions of others. There is a one-sided nature that haunts me. I give and I do not receive. This is only true because I do not receive what I want. There's also the bullshit about getting what we need instead of what we want. Thanks, Batman, go fuck yourself. The story I tell myself is to convince myself that I have what it takes to move forward with strength. The skin thickens, and I care not for others. Jaded is the result. This may be good, it may be bad, but only my thinking provides such definitions.

Do I tell people these things? Do I ask if I'm special? Is open communication a benefit? Does this sound like a cry for attention and insecurity? I don't know how others see these questions. They might have the same questions, but we are all too afraid to ask each other for fear stands in the way. Oh no, they may think we are less than they currently believe. This can't be because without such open communication, it is all an assumption. It is blind. There is light that can shine, but fear again. I think you know where this is going. Fear, choice, growth, learning, these are all lonely concepts. They take place in the solitude of the mind. Fear prevents sharing such thoughts. Choice plays its role in allowing us to grow. Growth comes from a motivation to be more than we are today. Learning is what happens when we fuck this shit up. Learning does not happen in success, it happens in failure.

I am but a broken man. I have no sense of self. I only make efforts to grow. I make choices to move past fear. Skills and ability overcome fear every time. Skills and ability come from work. So, I guess we gotta work... Fuck this... Work was not something I wanted to do in this life. Rephrase please. Work on obtaining the goals that are placed upon me by others, that's not what I want in life. I want to fly the skies like a bird, and fly far far away. I want to clear the dust from my mind. I am on the edge of that nest, getting ready to jump. Somehow, I'm scared to make the leap. So, I piss off the person behind me so I am forced out of this nest. Is it the preferred method? Not at all. It would be preferred to have the courage to leap on my own. But I am overcome by fear, and waste time bullshitting.

I am not special. I do not hold these special places in the hearts of others. I do not hold that space in the heart of anyone. I am but a lonely man who barely holds a special place in his own heart. The worst part about being smart is I pretty much always know what's going to happen. I have a lot to learn. I must learn to love myself. It is my hope for us all that we can come to love ourselves more deeply, that we can know ourselves more intimately, that we can let go of the fear, that we can grow, that we can choose a different path, that we can learn, that we can stop hating ourselves for our past, that the future holds greater days and better people than we've met in the past.

This is my hope for you.

This is Learning Made Hard.