I fucked up. I was wrong. I am sorry.

That's how we begin, with an apology. I spoke with a friend this evening, and it changed my outlook and thought process. It changed the way I think about interacting with people. Thank you, friend.

For those regular readers, you may know that I ranted about this girl I met. I am apologizing to my readers, and to her. I was mistaken about who I am and who I expect others to be. I placed my own expectations on others, and I really messed that up. I tried to make it about me, while saying it wasn't about me. I let my own feelings get in the way of someone else's growth. I attempted to hold them back. I expected more than I got, and I was angry about it (you may have noticed).

I got exactly what I needed, but in the moment, it didn't feel that way. My feelings were valid because they were the feelings I was having. I would like to take a moment to say, I see you and acknowledge you. I believe you made the best decision with the knowledge you had.

I made the best decision with the knowledge I had. This decision was the best I could do. My best at that moment is not the best I will ever be. I learn, and I grow, every day. This is a classroom, not a playground (although I take issue with that metaphor, we won't get distracted). I am improving myself through the work of knowing myself. Women seem to have it together so much more than men, just saying. Their ability to be in a state temporarily is something I envy. For men, this switch does not happen so quickly. I see this play out in many areas, but it was put in my face most recently with this friend I spoke of. She told me I could have a pity party but that I cannot stay there. I must pick myself up, make a plan, and move forward.

Moving forward may require knowledge we do not currently possess. This is okay; this is why we learn. This is the hard shit. We, or rather, I have been stuck in a place of ambivalence. Will I stay, or will I go? Will I live, or will I die? Will I do this or that? Make a fucking decision man! This is something I've struggled with. It's the consistency that matters. I am inconsistent at times. I am inconsistent about being inconsistent. Oh, what joy it brings (sarcasm for those who don't know me, which is almost all of you).

When we see another person hurting and we try to fix them, we are invalidating their feelings. When we hear someone but don't listen, we are invalidating that person. When we try to comfort someone by telling them not to feel a certain way or that they shouldn't worry about it, we invalidate them.

We must allow that person to be, allow them to feel, allow them to feel seen, allow them to feel heard and understood. I am the culprit here. I want to fix shit. I want to say it will be okay. I want to be superman and save the day. I don't want you to feel sad, and if you feel sad it must be because I didn't fix it. That's bullshit. It goes for men and women. When I tell you, "don't feel sad, it will be okay", I am telling you that you are wrong. I am saying that you don't know as much as I do. I am telling you that your feelings are unwarranted. I am wrong, I don't know as much, and your feelings are warranted.

Damn, I fucked this up. I went and said all this shit. Fuck, I'll probably say it again, even after writing this article. But next time, I'll know better. I only hope I will know before I speak, and not after.

I am sorry for not seeing you before. I am sorry I tried to fix you. I am eternally sorry for not understanding you.

It was my insecurity that caused my anguish. It was not you. I was afraid. I was the one who caused my own pain. You did nothing but show kindness. I am the one at fault. I see me. I forgive myself for my past mistakes. I am better for myself, not for you. I see today how I may have approached the situation differently. But I also see that I did the best with what I knew at the time. I did not know then, and I barely have a glimpse now. This tiny glimmer is enough to show me how much I don't know about myself. This was something I needed, but sure as shit didn't want. Man, oh, man. This has been a year of growth and learning.

This is Learning Made Hard.