With a title like that, where will this go? Don't pay any attention to me, pay no mind. I am doing nothing of interest, and I would rather be left alone. I say I want to be left alone, and the consequence for doing so is the lack of meaningful relationships.

It's easier to live life knowing that everyone will leave, by death or otherwise. In this sense, I am an old man. I want nothing to do with the bullshit that most people deal with. I don't have kids, and I don't have attachments. I can go anywhere and survive, and thrive. I have the ability, and I am planning it.

It's a half-baked plan, and I'll probably shoot it from the hip and see where it goes. I just don't care enough to do all this nonsense. Fake it as if I care. I care about the people who call me for help, but I hate the built-in confrontation of my position. I'd rather be a lover than a fighter. But, I will fight for what I love.

Although, I lose interest. I know I'm a fucking record that needs repair. I'm working toward the repair; the healing is somewhere within. The answers are within. I am going to leave, fuck that.

I got frustrated today. I was having problems sending a text message. I sent it three times but kept being told the message didn't go through. No fucking way it didn't work. You get every other message, and you don't get this one I sent three times. It pissed me off, and I think I let that show through. I was aware of it as it was happening. I took that chance to reframe where I was coming from.

I am amazed every day by the stupidity of people. I would rather not. Just no. Death is on the horizon, and I don't know what the other side holds. No man has ever returned to tell the story. Treasures are lost, knowledge lost, wisdom lost, beautiful works of art lost, technology lost, culture lost, we lose it all.

I think it's that I'm lazy and don't want to do the work. I actually think I don't care and see no point in doing the stuff. I will work, with a purpose. If I have no purpose, what the fuck am I doing all this for?

There might be someone I could share this life with, but my loneliness and the voices in my head are plenty for me to handle without adding someone else's crazy shit into the mix.

Where can I go and never come back? I'm leaving this country. I don't want to live, here. Fuck memories, especially the ones that are claimed to be good and come with a stupid fucking casual friendship. Whatever the fuck that means. Here again, I'm going broke-record style.

I'm just angry. I set aside the fear in this moment. The fear has been such a part of my life. I replaced the fear with anger. I'm jaded and put off from people. My experience is my own, and all that I experience does not extrapolate to the general population. Fuck this stupid fuck fucking shit fucking bullshit that fucks off and fucks around and pisses me the fuck off. There's an illustration of the diversity of the word.

I'm still pissed off about some shit that goes down. Shit that I see as an affront to who I am. I don't want to hear your bullshit. I don't need your well wishes, and they are not welcome. It is the most distant and uncaring statement: hope you are well. Fuck that. Yeah, thanks. I am well. Conversation over. The statement is an end. It does not have a follow-up, it does not go anywhere, it does not care. The person saying that doesn't get it. Now, I can't get her out of my fucking head. And I am nowhere in her thoughts. I'm still an idiot. I got this feeling deep in my soul, in the parts of my heart that had been shrouded in darkness. The heart lives in darkness, in safety. I will only apologize to that person for any hurt my words may have caused. The intent is not to injure, the intent is for me to express my thoughts to develop my learning, and it is not meant to be read (go ahead and read it, don't care if I show my feelings, expose myself to ridicule and pain).

It will fade.

I was going to commit suicide at one time. I had the bullet picked out. I can't find that bullet today. It's somewhere, and I wish I could find it. Since I can't find the bullet, I am left without that option. One may consider buying another bullet, but that just won't do.

Just be cool, be cool. Be patient. Let it work. Give time some time. I can say all these phrases, but it doesn't help change the thoughts. My thoughts are my own, and even though it might seem these writings have provided, you don't have a fucking clue. Just be happy with what I've given you.

Pay no mind to the explosions around you; pay no mind to the fires engulfing the buildings around you; pay no mind to the bodies on the ground; pay no mind to the pieces of meat and bone that used to be people; pay no mind to the fact that no one is around to shoot; pay no mind that you're a helpless sitting duck just waiting for the next one to fall on your head; pay no mind to the people who are no longer around; pay no mind to the theatrics that are passed off as defending something; pay no mind to the thought that what you're doing doesn't matter; pay no mind to being the fodder for war; pay no mind to being that name on a list somewhere; pay no mind to the names on that list; pay no mind to the next day when it all happens again; pay no mind to any of the outside activities and keep on with the mission; pay no mind to the people with authority who lack authority to do something; pay no mind to the thought of dying on the daily; pay no mind to the disappointment that comes when dying doesn't happen; pay no mind to the pain of living, the pain of the past, the pain that comes from ourselves and the thought that we could have done something had we actually taken action.

Would you find me if we didn't end up on that beach together? The clear answer is no. Would anything in the world have changed your mind? The clear answer is no. Would I be better for never having gotten that sunburn? That answer is not so clear.

When I lose interest, I stop and move on to something new. This shows a lack of perseverance and persistence. It may even be indicative of the discontentment boiling inside.

How much can one man care without reciprocity before he loses the motivation to do so? I want to be there, I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you sweetly before bed and when you wake, I want to encourage you in every endeavor, I want to support you in any decision you make. But that fucks me sideways when the bluff is called. The bluff being that I'll support you in all your decisions, but your decision is to be free of people, including me. Shit! Well, I'm a man of my word. I will do exactly as I've said here. I don't care about your clothes or your money or anything else you might have; I care about who you are, how you think, how you smile, how you love, who you are becoming.

Pay no mind to me, I'm still learning.

This is Learning Made Hard.