A discussion of the secrets we keep and the effects those secrets may have on who we are. Some secrets are cute and fun, others are dark and horrifying.

Cute secrets: these are the ones between two people that result in private jokes. Remember that one time when.... These can be the secrets between two people.

Dark secrets: these are the secrets that eat away at us from the inside and cause us to doubt ourselves.

I would surmise that we all have both types. I won't rule out other types of secrets, but, for now, I'm not concerned with them. Dark secrets are the ones we may feel ashamed for having done. It's no secret that I've been arrested a few times. It's no secret that I was addicted to drugs at one time. It's a secret what I did while I was on those drugs.

The stories of what I did are not moments I speak proudly of. I did not have some great conquering story to share. I didn't overcome adversity. I overcame myself. I tamed my mind. I broke the mustang that kicked and bit the insides of my mind. The self is all we have. Know it.

Do something with your life, and leave the secrets in the past where they belong. I don't want to think of the past and hate myself. I want to look at the past and love who I am today. Love the person you are. Live intentionally to become yourself. Happiness and self-love are not dependent on external circumstances. The secret lies within.

Secrets again. A third type of secret is external to ourselves. The secrets the world keeps from us, secrets that require a searching and persistent effort, turning those unknown unknowns into known unknowns and the work it takes to turn those unknowns into knowns (say that fucking sentence three times fast). External secrets are not the topic of discussion, we will move on.

There's a sense that I get when people keep secrets from me; it's a sense that I'm not privileged enough, good enough, special enough, or even cared for by those people. I am not in the inner circle of friends who get the secrets. For some, this is okay. For others, this stings in a manner that breeds questions.

But, I'll switch this thought pattern for the positive. It's simpler to not have others' secrets to keep. It's simpler to have a smaller list of people we share our secrets with. We've discussed it previously how there are secrets we won't share with any person, no matter who they are, no matter how close they are, no matter how much they say their love is unconditional.

Sometimes, we may lie to keep secrets. Is this the bad kind of lie? Impregnated in that question exists the assumption that lies are either good or bad. This would also assume that some lies can be good. The justification for small lies is questionable. I don't feel like I can effectively explore this topic because I live the opposite. I have lied in response to straightforward questions so I can keep my secrets. Saying no when the answer is yes, that's a tough position to take with your mother's inquiries. Mom doesn't need to know. Keep her view intact by omitting certain facts.

I heard a good one yesterday that got me thinking, and it reminded me of a mindset I once possessed, and it likely still exists to some degree. Here goes, "If I really do have this power who am I? I will be everything we mocked and dismissed. I'm a stranger to myself, and to you." I have done this for most of my adult life. If I move beyond where I grew up, will I become everything we showed disdain for? Will I be that person I used to mock? Is it a deep resentment that keeps me away? Can I become that person and be different, a spinoff, a similarity that is different enough to not be what we mocked?

I grew up fairly poor. Started in the trailer and moved up to the suburbs. Suburbs in my hometown ain't as suburby as other places. We were poor kids from a nowhere place. This ain't a bad thing, it drives hunger. A healthy fear of returning to that place in my life.

I was reminded of it today. I went to the grocery store and spent $10. When I swiped my card, I knew it would be approved. I remember several times where I questioned whether money would be there. I also remember several times when my card was declined. The embarrassment that comes with that event is immense. I am grateful for where I have brought myself. With the help of those around me, I have grown into more than I imagined, more than I was told I would. I was told that I'd end up in jail, that I'd not make it very far, that I'd end up cooking at that diner, that I couldn't be or do all the things I've done and been. I continue forward. The intimations from the outside don't come around so often. They aren't internalized as often. The reprimands and admonishment come from within lately.

We've reached our writing time limit for the day. I'll add the "Part 1" to the title, and we'll continue this discussion later.

This is Learning Made Hard.