This is a difficult topic for discussion. The appropriate level of communication is whatever feels right between the people. This is likely a product of prior communication.

I had this conversation one time, and now, I'm not sure what's appropriate. The conversation and understanding were that she wanted space, and she needed time. That's funny because I need time and space to get over the sting of communicating. Deleting the social media apps from my phone is the only way I know to distance myself enough from that feeling. It hurts, but I don't know why.

Out of respect, I do nothing. I think about that beautiful woman every day. I want to tell her how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, and how I am endlessly proud of her. In the two months I've known this woman, I decided I wanted to be her friend. Is that torture for me?

I spent years not getting close to anyone because it hurts when they eventually leave. Then I went and did it, I got close to someone, invited her into the depths of my mind. I feel so vulnerable by laying myself bare. I don't do that, but I do remember doing that recently. How do I get past this without killing it completely? Do I have to give it several years? I don't think it will last that long because I have experience in this realm.

My experience tells me that everyone will eventually leave. It's good for a bit, and then I'm trudging through the muck and the mire without a soul in sight. So what? What if I'm left alone through it all? This give me strength of character and confidence in the abilities I possess to make it to the finish line despite everyone being somewhere else.

Am I the llama who starves for anyone to feed it, anyone to give it attention? Fuck me, I feel like a medical student who is diagnosing himself with every disease. I love myself, and I am perfectly healthy. I care for myself. I survive. This is all a product of preparation. I trained to survive. I will make it through, every time.

You must be tired; you've been running through my mind all day. I want to be your ex's stunt double. I want to do all the things he was too afraid to do, like trust you.

I miss my friend.

I have a few friends that I miss. But none of them stir such feelings in me. This reality is what keeps me away. I can't handle that, and I don't want to touch that hot stove again. Hansel, he's so hot right now. I have attempted to treat her the way I treat my other friends. It's not fucking working. She doesn't fit neatly into that category.

When it all becomes a distant memory, I will tell the story. I don't have much interest in rehashing that story here. It may have been spelled out previously, but I can't be sure whether I wrote that here or somewhere else. If I took what I wrote elsewhere, this would be 20 pages long. I won't do that to you. It could be that by sharing I am doing you a favor. Doesn't matter much at this point because I won't be writing any of that now.

She is one of the most wonderful humans I've met on this earth. There are billions more that I haven't met and billions more I will never meet. I'm okay with that. Alright, Alright, alright... It'd be a whole lot cooler if you did...

You know my favorite this about this girl? I keep getting older, and she stays the same age. This might make more sense if you knew that we are the same age. If you get the reference, kudos. If you don't, sorry, that's on you, watch more movies.

If I tell you I love you and you're lying to me, I'm gonna fucking die (again, a quote, don't read this literally). A version of this happened. I'm taking that back, but I'm not deleting it from here because the learning that comes from this thought and self-reflection is important. It's a feeling that wells up inside. It's not where I want to be, not how I want to feel, I don't even like you. I can't. I can't because I don't want to. Sometimes we don't get what we want, we get what we need.

Fuck! We get what we need, but how does that square with what we want, what we feel? It doesn't, from my experience. That's like saying it doesn't rain, but all I know is the desert. It does rain in this world, just not for me. This is because of where I am. I don't have enough experience to say this is certain. This leads me to explore, to move around, to meet people, to bring others into my life. And then, I leave. They stay, and I go. Damn, that could be something, we might be getting closer to a realization. Is it me that leaves, or is it them?

That's a good question, and I don't know (not knowing seems to be a motif of these writings). I do leave, and it's because I haven't found what I'm looking for yet. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go live in another country. I heard once before that Americans are not cultured. Stereotypes don't describe me. I choose to live a simple life, experiencing the world as it happens. If I put too many expectations on this life, I will end up disappointed. If I want things and they don't materialize, I may end up disappointed.

I've lost the desire to continue writing this. I'm affected by this. It pierces my soul to consider that I am destined to the fate of Sisyphus. Why didn't he just stop? I gotta read that story again to understand why he kept going despite knowing nothing will come of his efforts.

Fuck it. I'm okay. Don't worry about me. I'm not worried. This is about learning, and I have learned that nothing can change the trajectory. I work to get there, and I am unstoppable. Everyone is the same. We cannot be stopped from reaching our destination, even if we don't know the destination, we'll get there.

Quiet the mind. Keep going. She will show up. It may not be the way I want, but it is the way she wants. Giving others what they want at the sacrifice of self-desires is something I know well. I am selfish at times because I got tired of just giving. Everything is given, take nothing. I live by this philosophy today. I am not tired of giving.

This is our last song, last night, last sunset. Find another song, another night, another sunset, another rose (or daisy).

This is Learning Made Hard.