Here we go again, sitting down to bring forth the thoughts and the words as they leave my fingertips, which is interestingly a strange place for words to come from.

And as always is the case, I answer my phone... Almost religious about answering the phone. I won't interrupt another person for my phone, but I will interrupt myself for the phone. Hmmm... That's an interesting observation that may need further exploration at another time. Get all in this meta-analysis and get too far from the original message. Mindful awareness is cool, but don't let it detract from actually living the moment.

The dead weight is also a part of the self. This is true, and it can be proven so. The self is comprised of many parts making up the whole. These parts exist independently of each other, and they are interconnected through the influence they exert on each other, each part affecting the whole. We have identified areas and pieces of our self that detract from the whole, the desired whole. These parts of self that detract are the dead weight, and they must be cut to enable growth.

(This whole last bit is kinda bullshit. It's a bunch of fucking nonsense to say that we gotta move the fuck on, leave the bullshit in the past, and don't carry it with you - cut the dead weight.)

How do we do that?? Great question! ..... ..... ... .. . .

Yeah, so, that one's a little tougher to answer and may require more thinking on the subject, but maybe we've already done enough thinking to give it a go 😉

Start with identifying the shit that shouldn't stay. This requires deep thought and self-reflection and analysis and more thought, and you gotta take notes too. Take some time, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, mean something to yourself, have compassion for yourself, and forgive yourself.

Some stories should be told twice because they're important, and some questions should be asked as many times as necessary to know something about someone because that someone is important. I'll tell the story again, and if it's you first time hearing it, just pretend.

I had a friend who had a girlfriend. This was a friend from elementary school. I grew up with this guy. I had known him for over 10 years when the events that follow took place. I was home from the military one time, and I met his pregnant girlfriend. This was uneventful, and I left after spending time with my friend. Fast forward a year or two. I returned from the military, for good this time, I was a civilian again. I spend a lot of time with my friend, and he helped me get a job. This was a small-time gig working a cash register. I work at this place for over a year. During that more-than-year, I fell in love. It was a beautiful relationship that blossomed from time together, shared moments, and sneaking glances when we walked past each other. There were long conversations in the car after we closed the store. There were other encounters that your imagination can work on. I sometimes wonder if there is anything that could have been done to stay with this one, but I don't spend much time ruminating that. The story continues. I got a call one night from the girl to come and get her because of domestic violence. I picked her and her son up. My friend was being held at bay by the police. Oh, did I forget the part about the girl I fell in love with being the pregnant girl we spoke of in the fifth sentence who is the girlfriend of my friend and the mother of their son. Oh, yeah, that part.

Sometimes you gotta start a new paragraph. Let's rewind now that you have a key piece of information. It was her who really got me the job because she worked there and was friends with the manager. She and I spent many days working together, taking breaks together, lunches together, dinner together, and all that other time too. The day she stopped riding motorcycles with me, that was a good day. All I got to say for myself is, she got to work on time. Her home-life situation was present before I came onto the scene; it was likely a cause of her seeking me (someone) out. She looks really cute in a leather jacket btw. I was there for her when she needed someone. I helped her in a time of need. I do miss having her around as a person, so bubbly, so nice, so smiley, she's so cool.

She moved away to be with family after staying with me for a short time. That was a good time also. Ohh goodness, the pictures (that should probably be deleted if they're not already lol). It was the strangest moment when I drove to see her for Halloween, and she shows up with some other dude. I may have not been as restrained during those years, and I don't think I did anything too rash. Ask me, and I was timid. As it turned out, he was intimidated by me the whole time hahaha! Moving this story forward a bit, she is with that same guy today, and they are happy together (lucky bastard lol). I am happy for her.

It took a minute for the pain to subside. These feelings are not new feelings. Just like before, time will pass, memories will fade, people will change, people will meet other people, there's no amount of action or attempts that would alter how things arrive. [Where will it end? No, no, just no. We're not fucking going there.] Trying to hold on only leads to pain. That shit ain't sticking around, or it hasn't to date. But I'll rephrase a bit, it does stick around. It changes, just as the people have. The friendship is still there, and damn does it take some time to get past the sting in the chest that comes from thoughts of that person never returning in the same way. "Same way" in this context refers to the physically involved relationship. I want to use the word romantic to describe this, but romance isn't always there. The physically involved relationship doesn't do it justice either. What is it that makes that relationship so sacred?

For me, it would be those shared moments. The knowledge of the other person. I am very curious about what she does with her clothes when she takes them off when I'm not around. The only time I've ever seen it, they were left at random places on the floor. Really getting to know someone is tough because we're all afraid of ourselves. At what point can I be honest and she be honest about ourselves without fear of losing the other or feeling judgment or dismay at the thought of sharing. There's shit I won't speak a word of because fuck no way am I telling that shit. I'm sure we all have those. There are other things I wish I could forget, but those things are there and the more we try to forget, the more we can't, here nor there. Back to where we were.

This relationship we've been talking about is somehow special. It is on the pedestal. Is that where it should be? (I don't like that word "should" because it implies a correct answer and judgment upon all other answers. If you see me use it, I meant what I said.) The answer lies deeper because, yes, it should be there. It should not, however, be the only thing on the pedestal, and it should not displace the other items on the pedestal. The key item on this pedestal is ourself. These are our values that sit upon the pedestal. The relationship with your significant other is on the pedestal. And now we come across another significant point regarding the significant other. The phrase says it all, all others are not of the same significance.

I thought of a funny cartoon about chivalry. Picture this, a couple is walking down the street and the woman is dainty and slender, the man is tall and brawny. They are having a discussion about how she doesn't like men doing things for her and she doesn't need some man to defend her because she is a woman and she can do it herself. Just then, someone jumps out at them and threatens them. The man steps behind the woman and says to her, you take this one.

(Before you get all upset, laugh. Then, do whatever the fuck you want.)

This has been a long rambling road that started from cutting the dead weight and the pieces of ourselves that hold us down and ending up with a cartoon that mocks the chivalry dispute (a little chivalry ain't bad, feminists). Time to tie it together.

We can cut pieces of ourselves that hold us down. There are painful parts of life that we can hold onto and not be weighed down. These parts are truly a mechanism for growth and those should be kept. The parts that should be discarded are those parts we wouldn't speak a word of. The parts where we were our only obstacles. Those are the parts that stick with us and do the most damage. External causes are much easier to distinguish and develop self than the internal causes. The internal causes, however, being more difficult, result in the biggest gains in knowing oneself and developing into the next level of person. As we grow, we can't lose sight of the little things, like opening the door for that pedestal-sitting, significance-maximizing, special someone.

This is Learning Made Hard.