Sometimes, it's best to write anonymously. Private writings are not necessarily done without revealing an identity of the author. Through this medium it becomes easier to maintain anonymity. Let's roll...

In the previous article on the subject, we explored why I may be doubtful of the compliments that present themselves as directed toward and speaking of me. We'll keep down that road for a minute.

After much contemplation on the topic, I have moved forward in my thinking to understand that all the previous post's content to be true. The truth, however, does not affect the current state and underpinnings of self. This comes from the current mindset and perspective of the individual in the eye of the storm, I might not be aware of the storm. There are many things that are facts of the past. I did X, I did Y, someone else reacted in a Z manner. These are facts, true events that actually occurred.

Interlude: Did I tell you about that time I stole a cop car? I didn't get very far, but I also didn't face consequences from the outside world because of this act. I did, however, face consequences within self for the act. Not as an isolated event but it's cumulative effect in my head as just another reason none of that can be true.

To that, I say, go fuck yourself, self. As in my mind, not so in the world, the objective reality (what does that even mean?). The thought emerges on the other side of self-loathing as an expression of accomplishment and a seedling of pride that I can feel good about the progress I have made.

I have taken myself from humble (read poor) beginnings to a more sustainable position. I went to school, received an education, and set out for the world to reach beyond the standard paths that old friends have taken by default. I was not interested in the default path because I can see through to the end, factoring the various variables that would be present throughout the passage of time. I once developed a theory regarding the predictability of the future based on an understanding of people and their choices, the motivation for their choices, and the desires that prompt them to action.

I started several businesses to get where I am today. I am not rich (yet). I am not where I want to be; I am on the path. This is the source of pride. I am proud of my current accomplishments. Today, I give of myself and also care for myself. I am growing mentally and physically. I am expanding my base of knowledge beyond the borders of the U.S.

The gerund form of verbs softens their effect on the reader and present a less forceful expression of action and current state. This is simply a writing technique that displays humility. When does humility cross the line into self-loathing and blossom into a full disgust of the past? This is where my mind lives, and it also enjoys tussling with the view of the present as colored through the lens of the past, the map is wrong, the map is not the terrain, the paradigm is all wrong and is based in that objective reality we spoke of earlier.

Moving to the light in this tunnel - the objective of this writing - we can express how this thought is not base in the present moments. The first indication of imaginary world is the lack of input from others. This causes the input from others to not be factored with my internal calculous that determines my current view of self. Others have the view from the outside, the view of the present.

I have no view of the present as it is a continuation of the past. The true change that comes with growth seems to have eluded me to this point. That's okay. The process of mindfully identifying the source of self-disgust and internal hate for self. Let's get started....

I have a career that I've chosen, that I've built, and that I'm growing to the desired level of success. I started and own a solo business that has the ability to help others in the truest sense of the word. I enjoy the prospect of helping people on a daily basis. And I do help people. I am proud of my penchant for helping others today. My selfishness has been subsiding, and it continues to shrink. This is a source of self-love. This is different from the past. Why do I live in the past and believe I am still selfish as a default, selfish to the core, and selfish always? This is not true. I help people daily. I spend my days looking for ways to expand the help I am able to provide, the expertise that people seek, the help they desperately need that is not always offered to them because of the absence of potential profit for other businesses providing the same service. So the fuck what if profits decrease? This is not how I measure my success. I keep a list of people I've helped in my business. The list is not growing as fast as I'd like it to, but I am taking action to expand the list and offer more services to more people. For this action, I am proud of myself.

I mean something to myself, and this feels good. It brings a smile to my face and peace to my soul, allowing me to relax and be confident and brimming with faith for the future. The future is guaranteed if we move forward with the proper attitude toward others and commitment to the work involved. Am I interested, or am I committed? I am committed to doing what's necessary to accomplish the mission of helping, whatever it takes, do it now.

My skills in my sports activity of choice are growing and developing into the skills I have been working so hard to improve. For this, I am proud. I am proud of myself when I put in the work, when I set my personal desires aside and focus on what others need.

I heard from my father before he passed away, suddenly, without warning, and with great sadness about the loss of someone so important in my life. He was at the top of my list for learning how to be a man of character in this world. His wisdom: "If you help enough people get what they want, you will get what you want." The focus is on others not on self. Satisfaction of self-goals comes through helping others. The focus on others is the path to personal achievement. A selfish attitude toward this aspect of life leaves a person lonely and sad (trust me, this is what it for me). Today I focus on the needs of others, and for this, I am proud of the growth and change.

Since his passing, I was forced to grow without him. I was stuck in stagnation for a couple years after he wasn't here anymore. I moved from east to west. Go West young man! I did this, in search of something new, something that was unlike what I had before. Come to find out, geography doesn't change anything. Everywhere I go, there I am. It's me that needed to change. And what have I been doing since that time? I didn't grow. I tried to die with indirect attempts at dangerous situations with medium-to-high risk of death. I didn't care. I care today. This is progress, progress I am proud of. Those thoughts remain in my head daily. It's different today because I don't want to die anymore. My death removes my ability to grow, build, and help. I want to do these things today!! There is not a desire for death, there simply exist remnants from the past that linger because they seemingly worked to get me to this point, and they seemingly worked to keep me safe from the pain of the heart. These techniques only serve to hold me back. This has no bearing on how I currently view myself. Now, it shouldn't, but somehow my mind clings to the past. I move forward with these events of the past taking space in my mind. My current actions reflect mindfulness of thoughts, mindfulness of feelings, and mindfulness of who I might become if the status quo continues.

I am not the same person, not the same man, not the same approach, and not the spiteful being I once was. This is fucking progress. I am perfect. Just as a rose is perfect at every stage of its life. Is a rose not perfect as a seed? Would be mad at the rose because it hasn't blossomed yet? Would we understand that it takes work and time to grow that seed into a beautiful rose? Would we be mad at the rose when it's a seedling, when it sprouts, when the thorns develop, when the leaves appear, with the bulbous beginning of a flower? Would we be mad with any stage of the rose's development? No, the rose is exactly where it should be at each stage of its growth.

We are this rose, we are developing, we will bloom into a beautiful rose, perfect at every stage. Yet, the growth is never completed. Does the rose stop growing after the flower blooms? No, it continues to grow even when that single rose finishes its life. The life of the rose is not the life of the plant, the life of the being. It will continue to grow and provide us beautiful blossoms during its entire lifetime. The work of planting the rose and feeding and contributing to its healthy.

I must mention this while It's on my mind. And I will be rude with this line of thinking. Fuck that stupid bitch who told me I couldn't do it because of my past. This unknowingly and unconsciously had a profound effect on me. She said that with my criminal past I could not build this career, I couldn't get the appropriate license to work my profession. She said I could not have been in the military, she said I could not have graduated from that school, she I could not achieve, she said that I was a liar when I laid out my past. Fuck that bitch. She doesn't know shit about me. And reality has proven her wrong. I did all those things. I continue to do the good things. Bad choices of the past DO NOT dictate the ultimate path of the future. It does take time to un-fuck what was previously fucked. It's my decision, just as it's your decision. Keep going until you are proud.

Today, I am proud of the success and progress I've achieved. I am not satisfied with current levels of growth and success. I will keep going, and in my current state and all future states, I am perfectly where I should be, perfectly where I could be, and mindful of the necessary changes for the continued progress.

I've done a lot. I've slammed 20yrs into 10yrs. I slowed that down to focus on relationships. I could've made a similar statement 5yrs ago. I try not to do this anymore. Living life on fast-forward is not a way to develop a richness of friendships. Two days with you, four days with another, one day with that person, seven days with yet another, and the cycle continues. For what I've done in this area, I am not proud of my past behaviors, and I will advise others to take a different path. I have a greater capacity for helping others given my experience. Do as I do today, don't do some things I did in the past, I can tell you from personal experience that the hard way is going it alone with a lack of concern for the future.

I knew a guy once, covered in tattoos from head to toe, literally. He told me that he did not expect to live past 35. At the time, he was a couple years past 35. He had regrets that he explicitly listed. Incredibly though, he made these statements without a disgust for himself. He spoke of it with a sense of pride. I must assume the reasoning. I see him as moving beyond who he used to be. When I knew him, he was a good person. You wouldn't be able to tell this by the rabbit with a giant dick, tatted on the back of his head, and it wasn't a small tattoo either. The killer eyebrows he had tatted on his face distracted from who he is today. He did have the eyebrow tats removed. He has grown, and it is plain to recognize in his actions and words, but it doesn't present as well from the cover of the book. The book of his life is much more than the cover, a lesson for living a good life.

Live a good life so you will have more stories to tell your grandchildren. The challenges I face are internal. External struggles and challenges are much easier to overcome. Standing in my own way forces me to kill off portions of myself, silencing the negativity that pervades my mind. The diffusion and deep integration of this mentality is tough. When the statements are directed such that, "others were bad, and I was good to overcome," it becomes much easier to distinguish ourselves and position ourselves in our own mind as the strong one who suffered and came out the other side a stronger person. When the statements are such that, "I was bad, and I must change to be good enough to overcome," it is much more difficult to separate ourselves from the bad and the good.

The key difference here is that an outside source of negativity does not become the internal thought of self. The internal source of negativity requires change of self. This internal struggle becomes more difficult because it involves a redirection of trajectory. The external struggle is easier to ignore and move beyond because the thoughts of others are none of our business, water off a duck's back. Internal struggles are harder, and water from inside the duck is not running off. How does one ignore their own thoughts? How do we take that and recognize it for what it is? You know what it is? Lies, based in the past, that have no basis in present reality. Separating the past self from the current self requires one to know themselves.

I know myself. I don't know every aspect, and I won't pretend to. I recognize, today, the difference between being stuck in the past and using the past to move forward. For me, the more appropriate approach is to use the past as a benchmark for progress today. And holy fuck! The progress is immense. I am proud of myself.

Fuck the haters. The haters do not know me as a person. If you think I'm an asshole, I probably don't like you. I don't have to like everyone, and I don't need them to like me. I'm not chasing numbers, quality over quantity. If 1% of the world likes me, I'll have over 76,000,000 friends. It's easy to cut this in half four times and still reach over 4,700,000. I'll be okay for being an asshole to you. That being said, go fuck yourself, leave me the fuck alone, disappear from my world, piss off, I don't want or need you in my life.

Make friends with people that want the best for you. Don't suffer fools or those who attempt to bring you down.

I've got several thousand more words on this topic. I must go through this to reach the other side. There is no shortcut, there is no way to avoid it and reach the goal, there is no way to hide and achieve, the only way is to deal with the shit and overcome. Do not shy away from your duty to be better. Do not be scared of change. Do not lie in fear. Do not run from pain.

We choose our pain. Will you choose the pain of presence, or will you opt for the pain of absence? Pain of presence is in the present. Pain of absence morphs into a disgust, a depression, and a disconnect from who we want to be and who we think we are because of our actions.

Doing the work is the only way to learn. Practice is the only way to get better.

This is Learning Made Hard.