As life continues, I find myself in need of deeper relationships. I have bounced from one locale to the next, and I have scattered friends all over the world. These, however, are not deep relationships. They are casual acquaintances. They are not based on a mutual understanding and the deepest of trust. This needs to change; this will change.

What’s the trick to finding more, finding that someone special to share and build a life with? Being myself is the ultimate of things I can do. As myself, I don’t worry about being someone else. I do try to cover my crazy in the beginning so as not to scare people away from day 1. I’m not sure if this is the correct strategy, and it hasn’t worked yet. Am I wrong to yearn for a lady that is there, to whom I am special too. I’m special to myself, but that’s lonely.

Here’s one that bothers me: I hear all the time how wonderful I am, how great I am, how much progress I’ve made, how I’m a good friend, how I should never change. If this is the case (and I hear it often), why is everyone gone? Why do they leave and seek other avenues and people. Well, what the fuck is this about? Fuck if I know. If these people were complimenting me and truly felt that I am the “best,” shouldn’t I see that? Why does everyone leave if they think I’m so awesome?

The only answer I settled upon is they want something else. I must necessarily not be that “best” person. I know I would hold onto what I’ve found that’s the best. I’ve been around the world, met a thousand people, and don’t feel as though it mattered.

But, this article is about love. I have loved, and I have lost. Ask me, and I’ll tell you that it would have been better to never have loved at all. The visceral pain comes with the rejection that follows a prior acceptance. I don’t know if I can take that anymore. When we can’t take it, we may commit suicide of those parts of our lives. I could kill off portions of myself to prevent and short-circuit those feelings. I definitely don’t want the hurt that comes with a broken heart.

What is a broken heart anyways? Is this longing for something that we can’t have, something we once had that meant so much, and now has gone in search of something else because it wan’t where she was, where I was, without remorse, without the hurt? Go the fuck away. I don’t want the little they have to offer me, the little they care, the fuckboy nature of it all. Used, like a condom tossed in the trash after its utility has been depleted. Still, this shit is probably all in my head.

Do the thoughts in my head tell me the truth? Is this just a negative mind when reality is much different than the imaginary world I’ve built in my head, the protective perspective. Meh, this matters less than the very real feelings. Feelings don’t lie to us. Feelings, however, may be based in reactions to situations that hurt us in the past. This is the hot stove that once burned, and now, the stove is turned off. There is no danger, but prior experience tells us different. This feeling of fear is true. Feelings and emotions are based in the present, and thoughts are based in the past and projection of the future. Living in the now is where I want to live. If the logic holds true, recognizing the feelings welling up inside and the emotions that are triggered by our current surroundings places us in the present where thoughts are cast out.

Leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want a fake friend, a pity friendship, or a “casual” friendship (whatever the fuck that means). I sure as shit don’t want someone who will come into my life and lead me to believe there was something more than what exists.

As we discussed, these thoughts are actually based in the past and live in the future. As I learn how to handle the thoughts, I grow as a person, as a man, in mindful strength.

It may be apparent that I’m bitter and hurt from the perceived lies. The conspicuous nature of my stance on the subject is not, and has never been, received in a manner beyond friendship. That is totally shitty. I slept with all of them and enjoyed those moments, but they were fleeting. Why am I left alone? Why do I feel alone if there are people around me? Alone in a crowd, misunderstood, it’s a partial cause of my feelings of melancholy.

Most people I’ve met consider me a great person (white lies? Those are also lies, lies of the greatest indignation because they lead to a false conclusion); I can’t accept the compliments because I disagree.

Did y’all know I’ve been arrested just shy of 10 times (read 9 times)? Did y’all know that I’ve watched Netflix in the evening instead of working toward my important/non-urgent goals? Do y’all know the depression I work with each day? How much do you know about my daily thoughts of dying, by my own hand, by the hand of another, by a vaccine complication, by a parachute malfunction, by car accident, by gun, by a leap without a parachute, by an intentional act to make it look like an accident, by leaving this life and never returning? Do you ever consider the pain I’ve experienced? Do you even fucking understand what I’m trying to do with this life? Do you realize how much time I’ve wasted? Did you know I can’t take compliments? Do you know that I don’t believe you? How aware are you really of who I am? Have you considered and factored my past drug use? Did you know I spent my 20’s in a deep depression with constant attempts at death? Did you know I sliced a man’s neck with a broken beer bottle because he insulted my sister (statute of limitations, bitch, I cut that mother fucker, and I’d do it again, in truth I’d rather have sliced his fucking neck deeper to inflict a fatal wound, but that behavior is a thing of the past)? How much time do you spend to understand me? Do you know me? Do you care?

Learning by doing, but what the fuck does one do to learn in this arena, this realm of our private, intra-personal feelings, feelings toward self? Meditation and writing, those are the work, those are something I can use to get this out of my head so I can move forward and be proud of myself. Keep going until you are proud.

There’s more to come on this topic as I continue learning.

This is my challenge. This is Learning Made Hard.