The hours-long conversations about life were something that I found very valuable. I enjoy talking about the sunrise and how it makes the birds sing. I enjoy talking about life lessons learned in books. I also started my own yoga practice and learning journey. I enjoy talking about what I’ve learned and how it applies in my life. I found it fascinating to listen to her story. This woman lived through tough times, and she didn’t give herself credit. I give her credit, just as I give my wife credit for living through her difficult times.

The conversation took a turn, for the better, when she offered to answer questions about how women think. I asked a simple question, “why don’t women ask for what they want?” She replied that women feel they shouldn’t have to ask, and if they are asking, it’s already too late. I didn’t understand this. I listened and asked more. She kept going so we could get to a spot where I understand. I shared with her how I had done this all wrong. I had revelations in that conversation. I may never see this woman again, but our connection was strong in that moment. We connected on life. We were there, together, talking, not thinking about what else might be, and the time passed quickly. I looked at the clock and realized hours had gone by. I had to go. I learned a lesson by listening to my wife, and that lesson is to not destroy the connection by being rushed away. I was an idiot when I did that. I don’t do that anymore. I didn’t do it with this woman.

I need a wife to take care of me and protect me, not the other way around. I am the one who needs someone. She is fine on her own. She will do great things because that’s who she is. It’s who she is that I love. It has nothing to do with doing; it’s her being, her beautiful soul.

Men and women are different. Women are not crazy. When I’ve said that, it’s been a joke. It’s been an acknowledgement that I don’t understand. I do apologize for ever impacting anyone wrongly with those works. We think different, and we have different energies. I love the beautiful complexity of the mind of a woman. Some men and some women are crazy though HAHA! Jokes. It’s funny because there is some truth to it. All of the readers know someone that fits in that category. I do not believe that women are crazy in any negative sense of the word. If I have ever said it, I thought I was being funny. I understand now that it’s not funny to categorize people. People are individuals, and any heuristics used to stereotype are just shortcuts that close the mind. I do not close my mind.

I listened to the woman I spoke with. She encouraged me to keep trying. She said that women say things they don’t mean. She said that women can hold pain better than men, and that this may be much much worse for the woman leaving than it is for the man. Women also have children, and they get through that like champions. I can never imagine what they must go through. I cannot say that one person’s struggle or problems are not real. I understand and respect that we all have our own lives to go through. I am just a witness. I can let the other person know that I see them, and I respect them for who they are. I see their strength to carry forward. I am not afraid to interact on that level. I am not afraid to cry and feel what they are feeling. I don’t have to understand it. I don’t have to be in their shoes. I acknowledge and respect their shoes because I know what it’s like to have shoes. That’s the human experience.

Although, I believe I’m starting to understand why someone wouldn’t say something. They are afraid of the judgment that comes with their thoughts. I shared my thoughts and said that I should start lying because sharing my mind was getting me in trouble. I trusted to share. I wish the other would trust to share with me. I have to respect that they feel a certain way. It is not because of me they feel that way, but it can be because of me that they may feel bad or guilty by feeling or thinking certain things. I have the power to make things worse when I don’t listen and accept.

**New Stuff** I want to add something here. I also think about how I will be judged for my thoughts. I think about what others might say if they knew all the stuff in my head or the thoughts or the feelings. I have that too. I was blind to not recognize that my fears are the same as the fears of another. People are people. We all want the same thing. We want to be seen and appreciated. We want to be appreciated for who we are and what we do. There seems to be a difference between men and women on this, and without getting into whether it’s the patriarchy that caused this or cultural conditioning, I can say there is a difference. My theory is that women want to be praised for who they are, and men want to be praised for what they do. But this can even be complicated and blended. Women also want to be seen and appreciated for what they do, and men for who they are. It’s not black and white, it’s a spectrum that shifts from moment to moment. I just need to appreciate others. I believe men like to hear that they are good people and they are nice and they are kind. Women want the same praise. I made a mistake before at only valuing the doing and not looking at the person underneath that is doing the doing. The person my wife is, that’s an incredible person. She is caring and loving, and she cares and loves deeply. She is kind. She is considerate. She is smart. She is courageous. She is brave. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is all of the great things that I married her for. I want to say it now if I never did before (I think I did, but I also know it got overshadowed by other wrongful words). If she does something because of who she is, then I would praise that also. She does great things and taught people and cared. She leads people. She shows up when needed. She talks and listens. She does the amazing things because of who she is. I love my wife.

I have taken the time to learn. I am late, yes. But hey, better late than never. Whoever my future wife is, she will get the benefits of these things. I am doing this for me and for her. I also want to have a daughter, and could end up with two lol. Then we’d be a house of women, and I gotta treat them with the highest level of respect and dignity. I accept my wife for who she is. I do not want her to change. Please don’t change. I lacked an understanding. I didn’t change through this. I grew. I encourage my wife to grow. I support her in that growth. She will make her own decisions and live her own life. I don’t take any action that makes her feel like her growth is being limited. I make her feel special. She is the only person in the world that means so much to me. I will still speak truth, but with care and love and patience. I know she is on the way. I am just happy to be on the same road, walking with her, holding her hand, stopping to have sex in that grassy field occasionally, making damn sure she has that smile on her face, and we make this journey together, doing life together. We make each other better, not by criticism, but with love and support.

Life is hard. And just like coffee without sugar, life without a good woman is bitter. She doesn’t have to ask, I know how to make her day a little sweeter

I left the beginning the same because it fits. But this is a different story. This one is something else.

________________________________

“Hey, sweetheart! I can’t wait until I see your beautiful face again! I look forward to holding you in my arms.”

“Babe! Why can’t you just say you miss me?!”

“Okay, okay, I do miss you, but you know how I feel about that. haha. I miss you so much!”

“Good! Because I miss you too. When are you landing in Zurich?”

“I get there the day after tomorrow at 11:50a. My plane lands and then I have to get my luggage. Then I’m heading straight to the apartment. I know you’ll be in class until the afternoon.”

“Yeah, the training for the day ends around 4p.”

“Do you need anything? Can I have something ready for you when you get home from training?”

“No, just you, clothing optional…”

“Haha! Yes, ma’am! I will give you a massage when you get here because I know the training is tough on the body.”

“Oooh! I’m excited now! I can’t wait til you get here.”

“Me neither, sweetheart! I hate being away from you weeks at a time. Eventually, we will be able to live in the same country for longer than a few weeks at a time.”

“Yeah, the visa is taking forever. I feel bad that you have to travel all the time.”

“Sweetheart, don’t worry about that. I appreciate how you think about me, but I want to assure you that I do this because I love you and want you. It is not an issue. Please don’t worry about it.”

“I know, but I still think about you traveling all the time to see me.”

“I brag about traveling to see the woman I love. I am living the dream! With my dream lady, my best friend. I love you!”

“I love you too, babe! You are my favorite!”

“You’re my favorite, sweetheart! We are doing what we want and coming together to share this life. I am so lucky to have you and call you my own.”

“You’re the best!”

“We’re the best!”

_________________________________

There are all sorts of happy endings.

I am missing my assistant Anna. That could have been how to make this work. Toning down the big grand dream and just working to build our grand life together. I don’t know why we didn’t do that. I remember a conversation where I didn’t want to put additional work on her because of the work she already had. I couldn’t bring myself to take her business away. I couldn’t bring myself to take my half of that business away either. I believe in its potential. I still do. But I would have given it all up for her. I would have had a moment of loss and grief and stress, for sure. Together we could have decided this was better for both of us. We could have made that decision together if we could have talked without fear. I was afraid it would upset her, she may have been afraid to upset me. That fear of each other is no good for our relationship. Not good for any relationship when telling the truth is something to be scared of.

We could have worked together, spent time together, and we could have had common things. She could have gotten to talk to people instead of being alone. I could have had her instead of struggling alone. We both could have benefited. She could make money, and we both could have been able to build something together. We could have strategized on how to grow that business. She could have her practice going also, and she could have had flexibility to attend classes and trainings as she saw fit. We could have been working together on one thing and both supporting us. It could have been the dream team. But the big dream got in the way of the dream team.

That sucks man. I miss my assistant. I miss my partner. I miss my best friend. Every damn day I am full of regret at how this was a failure of my own making. I don’t want a new wife. I want a new plan. I want a new life. I want a new future. I want our kids. Our beautiful kids. I want them to love like their mother loves. I want them to be kind like their mother is kind. I want them to speak the truth no matter the consequences like their father (but maybe a little less blunt at times lol). I want them to refuse to tell themselves “no” like their father (but with a little more of their mother’s groundedness lol). I want them to have the best qualities of both of us. I want them to feel safe and secure in themselves and in the love they have from their family. I want them to speak two languages, a mother tongue and a father tongue lol.

___________________________

So, here’s the story of our day:

“Hey sweetheart, did you see anything from James? I’ve been waiting on his email, and I may have missed it because you know how I am.”

“No, I’ve been looking too. If I see it, I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks, these folks are driving me nuts some days. I’m glad I’ve got you to keep me sane.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel it sometimes too, and I’m just taking their phone calls. I can only imagine what it’s like having to talk to them about their problems. I’ve got your back, babe!”

“I know you do, sweetheart. I love you for that. I appreciate you for understanding. I also want to talk about hiring someone. We’ve been talking about it, and now that the work is picking up, it might be time.”

“Oh! I remember we talked about that, and I think it’s a good idea that you get some help doing the work. There’s way too much for one person.”

“I wish it could be you. I really like how we come together and make things happen. I am worried about bringing on someone new and having to pay them and train them. You know I tried with that lady, and you saw how that worked out.”

“Oh man, that lady was terrible! She was supposed to have 20 years experience, right?”

“Yeah, she does have a lot of years, but it doesn’t seem like she had a lot of practice in that time. haha“

“Hey, I’ve got an idea! What if we go to that foot massage place tonight after we’re done for the day? You took us there when we got here, and I know it would relax you.”

“Sweetheart, I love you. You’re my favorite. What if we go right now and just skip out on the rest of the day?”

“Really? Are you sure? I know you said you have a lot of work to do.”

“You’re right. I did say that. And I do have a lot of work. But, and answer me honestly, do you want to get a foot massage? Would it help you relax a bit?”

“Well… I mean, if there’s a lot of work, then work comes first.”

“You’re right sweetheart, and now you sound like me. haha But, I am asking about you, because you come first. Work will be here tomorrow.”

“I really could use a massage. That sounds wonderful!”

“Alright, as the boss, I say we are closed for the day! My lady needs a foot massage! Let’s go!”

And with a wink, he kissed his beautiful wife (like he missed her), and they locked the door and headed for foot massages.

___________________________

I so wish this dream would come true. I have a part of me that believes. Then another part remembers what she said she wants… I have to listen to my beautiful wife, always. Because she comes first.

Although, what about the kids?! Who do I save in a fire? I save the kids, right? Because she can take care of herself, right? Oh, I don’t want to think about that. That’s a tough topic. I don’t want to plan for scenarios that aren’t happening. But this one might be worth planning for. It could happen. And I want to keep us all safe. She also wants us all to be safe. I am voting we have that difficult conversation to make a plan in case of emergency.

Just like we should have had the conversation to make a plan in case of this emergency. Not just making our own plans to keep ourselves safe. We needed a plan to keep us both safe, to keep us together. It takes open, honest, and safe communication for that to take place. If I write something or say something that doesn’t make sense or could be taken in a wrong way, please call me out, gently. I hope one day there is enough safety between us that, if something needs to be said, you can tell me, and there are no blockages or barriers or baggage to unpack. If that day ever comes, I will not defend. I will seek to understand, validate, and get curious. I will also provide the context so you know that I didn’t mean any harm. I will seek to understand the impact so I can know to treat you better. Through this mutual work, we will both get better. The triggers will slowly fade, and the triggering actions will become less. This takes a mutual trust that is built through communication and time. I am preparing every day for this opportunity, if it should ever present itself.

None of this is meant to say that my fantasy can replace what actually happened. It can’t. This is only to say that fantasy shows me what I missed. I missed our dream life together. Mostly because I couldn’t keep it together, and I valued the important things too late.

We got a little hard learning from all this. Trial and error. Fail and try again. Fuck it up, listen and learn to not fuck it up next time, if there is a next time. And remember, I’m not dead, there will be a next time (in some form). There are all sorts of happy endings.

I am not diminishing her. I said what I felt needed to be said. Now, I am not surrendering. I am releasing her.

She is a strong, beautiful, capable woman. She will succeed no matter what. I am hurt by her choice, and that may remain for some time. I am not trying to control. I am letting go.

I respect you, and myself, enough to stop trying to hold on when you have chosen to leave. Your choice is yours to make. It hurts me, and I might disagree. But I promised to always encourage you to ask for what you want. You have asked. I will step back and let you do what you want to do.

I’m not watching. I’m not chasing. I’m not begging. I am letting you go. I am setting you free. I am letting myself be free. I forgive all, and I take the lessons forward with me, incorporating what you have taught me. I hold a beautiful memory of you. I love you. I miss you. It’s never too late. But I know, it’s not now.

You’ll always be Mrs. Bubbles, my beautiful, bubbly first wife.

I have love and gratitude for our time together. My loved ones will know a better man because of you, and they will thank you. My children will know a better father because of you, and they will thank you. I thank you.

You are the hero. I know it. I believe it. I love you for it. I love you for being you. Keep being you.

I will always encourage you to be unreasonable and to ask for what you want.

Att prata svenska med dig och våra barn.

I vow to love you honestly as your teammate and partner.

You’re my favorite.

I choose you, now and forever.

In the first two parts, I tried to convince myself that what happened was enough to make me forget how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I tried to convince myself you were something bad. I let other voices help me simplify you into something you’re not. I tried real hard to not like you anymore. I tried to be angry. I tried to rewrite my memory of you.

I’m not simplifying you today. I remember these vows I made to you. I remember how much we laughed. I remember how we dreamed. I remember how much I love you. I remember how I looked into your eyes and saw an endless universe. I remember your touch. I remember your kisses. I remember how you would bring me back to earth and temper me. I remember how you are the most wonderful woman I have met. I remember how you complement me. I remember how you fit into my arms. I remember how your amazing smile lights up the world. I remember how you are my favorite. I remember how light and easy you were, never a burden. I remember you as my beautiful wife. I remember us.