I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous place to be. I had a girl tell me a couple days ago that I should take another girl on a date because she thinks we would make a cute couple. I happen to agree. The second girl in this equation is cute. Her complexion reminds me of an olive. She’s cute as can be. She’s also pretty cool. She has a real job, and she is smart. Enough with the compliments, I will move on from the explanation of why she’s cute.

Here’s where I’m going with this. After being told about making a cute couple, I am noticing that I act differently. I am acting in a way that seems a bit more interested. I notice this girl, and I am noticing a different stance toward the actions I take when around her. Did the comment from the one affect my actions toward the other? The answer is yes. I was incepted! The seed was planted, and it begins to grow. But, this is something I don’t like doing. I don’t like building these relationships because they complicate things and can have tragic endings. The relationships at the friendly level are much easier to keep under control. Oooh… Control… That came out of nowhere, but I like the road where it might lead.

Control may be an issue within the deeper issues. Issues on issues on issues. Racks on racks on racks. I will not address this one here.

Back to outside influence affecting current and future behavior. The thoughts that had never been there are suddenly there. Things that were never considered previously become possible because of what another person thinks and shared with me. I must believe the words out of a person’s mouth, and I must watch their actions to read for nuance and context. The entirety of communication lies within our ability to sense, but the entirety of meaning is beyond our capabilities to understand. I must put the phone away and meet people on a face-to-face basis. I much prefer to have people in my life that aren’t a thousand miles away. It may be a thousand miles of physical distance, and it can be a thousand miles of time difference, and it can also be a thousand miles from each other in thought.

Distance is a killer. Time is a killer. Time is the ultimate of killers. Give it time, take that time, have control over self. These are underlying, core principles that I try to be cognizant of each and every day. I have control, and I make the choice. I can live with fear, or I can live with hope. These are not mutually exclusive throughout the spectrum; we can have both fear and hope. We can find joy, make joy, strengthen joy, and still be gripped by fear. Switch that, not while we are gripped by fear, but while we experience fear. The grip of fear is tight and crushing. The presence of fear can be dispelled, and action can proceed. Fear of itself has no power, but our reaction to the fear gives it power. We give away our abilities to choose when we have given fear the control.

I don’t feel like continuing to write. I am overwhelmed by thoughts, and I am overwhelmed with all the possible combinations of letters. I have plenty of thoughts that must be translated to words. This is tough work. I must somehow take the ideas and put them here on this page (screen). I can’t make my mind up lately. Do this, do that, do another, oh, wait, this other thing, and shit, there’s this other thing, fuck, the phone rings, damn, I had that first thing to do, shit, it’s all half done.

I bleed. I start. I wish I were better at finishing. Pare it down to that one thing. One that that will make everything else easier or unnecessary. Fuck. I was distracted again by thoughts of the future. I am debating and trying to make a decision about whether I will go to another country for a thing. This thing will cost me about $2,500. Then there’s a hotel and food…. I am working out a budget. Shit, I think this has been busted by my distractions. I am having trouble focusing lately. I was thrown off my rhythm by having a guest stay at my house. It was a pleasure having someone to talk with for a couple days. I like this guy and he made an excellent guest. It was a bit troublesome for me to accommodate him because I hadn’t truly planned for it. I would like to have more guests, and I know I can if my house were a bit cleaner. I can have these guests with a not-so-clean home, but I will feel better when they are here if they have a nice, clean place to rest.

Keep the house clean so you can have guests. Take this is a metaphor and run with it. Apply it to every area of your life, and you can live in confidence about having your own house in order.

This is Learning Made Hard.

Speaking in hypotheticals, we can see how the ability of us to change our settings can prevent someone else from controlling our smart home by connecting to our wifi. There are settings we can change that will block out all devices except those on the accepted list. If we do not make this change, it may be possible for someone else to control our devices. This is not something we want; other people controlling our thermostat is undesirable. If they change my music, they’ve crossed a line.

We can use this metaphor to extend to much broader and deeper concepts of thinking. If I have taken care of my own settings, no one else can come along and change them. If I leave my settings to the default, others may influence the way my life functions. I have the option to take care of my own settings, but I do not have the right to take charge of your settings to prevent you from doing something. If I have handled my business, you can’t affect me.

The mind is a funny thing. It can be changed by consistent thought and action. If someone else slights me or purposely goes out of their way to harm me, jokes on them because their attempts to harm do not have their desired effect. I cannot be affected by these actions because I have taken care of my own shit. I am in charge of me, and I cannot change the actions of others. I may be able to temporarily seek and obtain momentary satisfaction, but I cannot achieve a long-term goal of satisfaction because others catch on. Once these people are found out for their true nature, the populous will turn on them, and their efficacy is diminished. They can’t fool everyone all the time.

I have taken the stance that I am the only one worth changing, the only one I can change. I have spent time trying to change others, to no avail. I have used energy in these pursuits, and I found the pursuits to be futile. The world gets a little more dim when I spend my time, spin my wheels, attempting to change others. The dimness shines through because of failed efforts. The light shines from the inside, and it is dimmed by efforts to look to the outside when the answers lie on the inside.

The answers… There’s a loaded phrase. I won’t presume to tell you the answers, and I can’t bring it upon myself to change who you are. I will not take that responsibility. Don’t you put that on me, Ricky Bobby! I don’t know your answers, and I struggle to know my own. This is a path of self-discovery, of self-taught pursuits. I am all but convinced that you are the one who can change you. The outside world does have its influence, and that can be seen over and over, how the world affects us and changes us. I have been jaded by past lovers, past loves. I loved without the reciprocity I felt should be there, that could be there. This has affected me and changed me. I became guarded and built a wall to protect myself. I have recognized this wall and actively take efforts to dismantle the wall. The wall is of my own doing, but it was built without conscious choice. That’s not where I desire to be. I don’t want walls to be built without my doing. Build the wall! No, don’t. Don’t build that wall. It may keep out the harmful, but it also keeps out the joy that is found outside the wall.

I have been tearing down the bricks, and it takes a long time. Fuck time. That shit sucks. And, at the same time, I believe time to be our single greatest asset. As our lives move forward through time, we have less and less of the time. We will, one day, run out. The trouble is that we don’t know where the end of the bottle is. Can we live in a mindset of scarcity because of the unknown quantities? Can we live in a mindset of abundance because the well never runs dry? I would venture to say the answer lies somewhere in the middle. We can neither think of it as scarce nor can we think it everlasting. The moments are precious in themselves because each one has its own uniqueness.

The moment we have are to be cherished, and we cannot live in fear of losing. We know we will lose, and we can instead choose to live in a state of appreciation for what we have been given. We borrow this world, and we must give it back when that hourglass runs dry. Mixed metaphors are fun, and they sow confusion and thought. Untangle metaphoric web, use your mind, put that thing to work. You might learn something while untangling.

The themes of choice, fear, and love for the now cannot be extricated from each thread because they are the thread. Without such feelings, without the actions, we will live in a perpetual state of blindness. It may only be on our deathbed where we realize the moments that could have been cherished, the choices that could have been made, the fears that never materialized, and the love that could have been given.

Vulnerability does not show weakness, it shows strength. When I expose my soft underbelly, I allow others to see a beautiful, soft side of me. This soft side is a side of strength and courage. I am that fucking dragon. If someone stabs me, I will not die. I will hurt. I will heal. Will I use that experience as the justification for never showing the soft side again? Maybe. I hope not though. It cuts off an entire side of who I am. I am working to heal from the last time I was hurt, and I can’t imagine the recovery process. It comes as it comes. My imagination is grandiose and generally accurate, but often incorrect. The imagination can fool me. The imagination is our friend, and it can become our enemy when the thoughts turn negative.

Fear and negative thoughts are not entirely unwarranted. They are primarily irrational and stem from the what-ifs bouncing through the mind. It is a product of the past. The past that colors our current choice and action is not the kind of past I want to have when the time for positivity draws near. The workings of my mind are illusive and temporary. Thoughts come and thoughts go; this is the nature of things. All things are temporary, if we wait long enough. On a long enough timeline, the life expectancy for us all drops to zero. We previously explored how to keep going while possessing such knowledge. It matters not that we will be gone from this world. We can use this knowledge to our benefit to endure through the difficult roads we travel.

Where does it take us? Where do we want to go? Will auto-pilot get us there? Is auto-pilot any fun? I don’t find the fun in letting the machines dictate the path. I can set it and forget it, but isn’t that true of all things? I make a choice to put certain things in motion. Then I move about my business handling the next thing. This is the auto-pilot I prefer. This is one of choice. I make the choice to go in a direction, but I do not allow this to be all there is. I take the action necessary to correct course along the way. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is permanent. It may outlast us, but it will not outlast the everlasting. When we finally learn the difference, we can move forward with confidence in ourselves. When we change our settings to disallow outside influence, we can move forward with confidence in ourselves. I keep asking myself how to do this. I’m just learning over here.

This is Learning Made Hard.

We call life a “process” because life is a process that cannot be taken lightly. We work and weave our way through the ups and downs; we navigate the rough seas and captain this ship. We discussed previously and only touched on the idea. Let’s take a moment to elucidate the contours of the concept.

When does life get complicated? Well, from the beginning, of course. At the moment of birth, complication sets in. Walking and talking are complicated tasks. Working those little arms and putting toes in mouth, these are where the complication sets in. It is truly more complicated when we add people. Hold on now. Is life complicated without other people? This is possibly the source of complication.

It could be simple if we just got what we wanted all the time. That might not be true. I cannot say whether it would be so complicated if there were only one person. If I were the last person on earth, would I have such troubles? In the zombie-apocalypse movies, life doesn’t get any less complicated. In other post-apocalyptic films, the complication still exists (people involved). We can look to fiction and use those tiny minds of ours to think through possibilities. Fallout was a good video game that shows how complicated people can be. There was never a change, and there has been a change in this concept. Oh, what tragedy awaits us. There is simple pleasure and there is complicated pleasure. I am not one to seek long, drawn-out revenge plots. That shit’s exhausting.

I choose not to go out of my way to harm another person. No matter the slight I have received, it does not benefit me or the world around me to seek a tit-for-tat mentality. I can let it go, and I will be better for having taken that action. I am not of the mind that we should go around thinking about all the people who have taken action against us. It is possible to live without such thoughts, and it is equally possible to live the opposite. We get the choice of path at this crossroads. I have chosen the higher path (or is it the left path?).

It happened to me recently where someone took affirmative action to harm me. I was resilient in the face of this intentional harm, and I was not harmed. I have plenty to do, and being alone while I do it is just fine with me. I do well by myself. I do well with others. I would choose to be with others, and in that, I choose to take moments for myself. I won’t waste my energy thinking about the person who harmed me. I will spend my energy on worthwhile ventures.

That said, I may take moments to share the story as a moment of personal growth in hopes others may grow from my experience. Don’t take it personally when others slight you. They needed that. They needed something. It wasn’t as though you lost anything. You actually gained. You now know how that person will treat people. I would not make such a decision. I would not take such action. I choose to pursue and befriend those who want the best for me. I want the best for everyone. I pray that person will find the peace they so desperately need. It’s none of my business how they live. I can move away, out of the way. I can change my thoughts and make new choices. It is within my power to make decisions for me. Why would I make active decisions to harm another person? In defense of life and family and friends, I would harm another. Killing is not a bad thing. It is just a thing. But, if we are to make plans to harm another, that is bad for ourselves.

I have the desire to leave this world behind. I can make the choice. I have the power and the ability to do and be better. Be best! I haven’t taken action toward this choice. It is mostly because I feel an obligation to stick around and help.

Writing for the rest of my life (that’s not a complete sentence, let it be). I only say some things to see reactions. These words don’t add up to the intended meaning, but go with me. I had a thing that I cared for. That thing is gone. Fill in the blank for yourself. You have those things also. It could be a person, it could be an opportunity, it could be myself, or the pieces I’ve lost, the sacrifices I unknowingly made. Too late now. I wasn’t voluntarily giving up these things, they were lost along the way. They may have been lost to indifference, or they may have been lost due to ignorance. It only matters how they were lost if I stop to blame myself. I can accept the fact of loss and move forward without.

There is nothing permanent in this world. Everything we have is borrowed. Fancy car, beautiful wife, fun toys, and the ground we walk upon, these are all temporary. Most of all, we are temporary. This realization is freeing. It allows us to enjoy this present moment. Nothing is truly lost, but everything is lost. This dichotomy is difficult for me to grasp. I struggle with the idea that I cannot cling to things. I’m clingy. I want no change. I like what I have. But this doesn’t work. I cannot continue in the same spot because I cannot change the temporal nature of things. I must accept the temporary and cherish it. I look forward to the next blooming rose.

I will try something this morning. I am going to write a thought on a piece of paper. I will then burn that piece of paper. This will put my thoughts into the world. This will put the idea into the universe, and I hope it brings the happiness for the person I wish this upon.

It’s all okay. Let it go. Things return to us without the need for us to hold so tightly. A light touch in love is my chosen route. And I will continue to tell myself, keep going. You’re going to be just fine.

This is Learning Made Hard.

We woke up a little early today full of energy. It’s interesting when waking up early with a plan for the day. The plan was set the day before, and I must remind myself to stay focused on the tasks ahead. The world is spinning with or without me. It is my duty to be involved in this world.

Let’s switch gears because of a recent book I am reading (listening to). The world is temporary. We recently discussed how we move forward while knowing it’s all temporary. This book provided a somewhat answer that flips the question on its head. We enjoy life more because we are aware of the temporary nature of it all. We realize that people will pass away from this world, and we take the time more serious because we know it is finite and precious.

This is akin to renting a spicy red convertible on vacation. We do not miss the convertible when it’s gone. We enjoyed every moment with that convertible as we drove the scenic highways. We put the top down and take care to enjoy this because our sedan doesn’t have the same feeling. This works with our relationships as well. Everything in this world is borrowed. This is not permanent. The people we met on vacation are the same: temporary. They are single-serving friends.

When we get back from that vacation, we may be inspired to go get a spicy convertible of our own because we enjoyed it so much. Would we cry over the loss of this car? No, of course we wouldn’t. Why do we cry over the loss of relationships? Relationships provide a deeper and longer-lasting sense of happiness than things ever could. These relationships, however temporary, are worth the time. They were not time wasted. The difference may come in when trying to replace the relationship after we return from this vacation. We know there is an end, and we know the date, and we understand it can all be different in an instant. We do have the choice to stay permanently in this vacation spot and buy that car, and we can enjoy those roads for as much time as we can. Getting the most out of time may be better than getting the most time. Quality v. quantity dispute arises here. We may be told that quality matters over the quantity, and we can believe this. Hell, it might be true. How do we handle life when we believe the people will leave?

This is a question I pondered, and continue to ponder, over the past few months. I am growing as a person, as a person of substance and internal fortitude. I am becoming a person of power. This power is power over self, it is control. We can all see how life takes us for a ride instead of us steering the ship. When we are distracted by the little, day-to-day trifles, we are taken away from captaining the ship. We have the ability to steer the ship, and, somehow, we forget this in the moment. We neglect the future to handle the little things. The little things do matter. This is not the argument being made. The argument is that we cannot allow those unimportant activities to take our time while we are wanting something different out of life.

The goals in life can get pushed aside by the search for simple, quick pleasures. A bump of drugs (choose your favorite) is gratifying, no doubt. It gives us the high we want. It can be that glass of wine, it can be that puff of the herb, or it could be the simple pleasure of insufflation. These do not last, and I cannot find the benefit in doing such things. I have grown from a child who sought these pleasures to a man who understands the wasted nature of such things. This is time wasted. How does one account for this? Moderation is said to be key in this instance. Like everything in this world, a good servant but a terrible master. Be the master of yourself, and do not allow the outside world to be your master, do not allow your thoughts to be the master either.

Thoughts are a topic receiving much discussion throughout these writings. They occur with and without effort. Intentional thinking is beneficial. It allows us to think through situations and come to conclusions. Thought allows, that’s science. Thoughts of the unintentional brand are typically criticisms of ourselves and the outside world. Is it just this? This forever? Do the thoughts have control, or is it our choice to act in accordance with principles and beliefs while leaving thoughts do themselves?

We will grow in ways we cannot predict and in patterns we cannot understand. The growth of self and learning is of utmost importance to keep the ship right. Right the ship, we may say. This can be our mantra moving forward. What happens when we slip one day, and we slip again the next, and we ruin the habit? This takes that intentional type of thinking. This is where the work comes in. A meditation practice can prepare our mind to handle those unintentional thoughts. We can let them pass and get back to what was in front of us. Take control; this ain’t easy. None of this shit is easy. Remember?

This is Learning Made Hard.

And just like that, I have spent a block of time doing other things that come to mind, bouncing from writing, working, music selection, chatting with folks, emailing folks, and all the other half-done activities. It’s become a time of intense focus… Ha! If only I could accomplish such intense focus. I’m making an effort, but who knows if it will be successful.

There is work to be done. This is work. Day job is work. Training for competition is work. Relationships are work. Eating is work. Sleeping is work. All activities are work. Do activities (wish we had more room for activities). Do not fall prey to lethargy and sloth, the greatest of all sins.

The loss of the mind has a slightly different meaning than losing one’s mind. It’s sort of past tense, but it is a noun, and it represents a current, future, or past state of the loss. I’m making this shit up as I go along. I must decide if I will fall or if I will survive.

Some wanted to break me, bring me down, while others have attempted to lift me up. I gravitate toward those who wish the best for me, those who bring me up. I cannot say with complete certainty who is who, but time reveals all. The inner workings of the minds of others are of no concern to me. The actions speak, thoughts do not speak. When I develop my mind reading abilities, this will all change, just not yet.

I have a desire for attention. This is a characteristic that ashames me, but I am not sure why. I haven’t been able to figure out why I seek the attention from others. I perhaps could figure it out with enough time and thought. I believe I would not figure out the why in this search, but rather, I would figure out how to live without such desires. The Buddha teaches us to let go of worldly desires. Peace and harmony of self includes peace and harmony of the world.

I find it difficult to let go when I am surrounded by the constant distractions and the cultural ADHD that pervades my every waking moment. Even my sleep is haunted with such things. I killed a ghost in a dream. I also dreamt that people were reading these articles. Fuck, I wasn’t happy with that dream. The dreams I have cause sweats that are so profuse I cannot stay in one spot on the bed. I am awoken by sleeping in a fucking puddle. When does that go away? What can I do to ease my mind while I sleep? Drugs and alcohol don’t help here because they interfere with the quality of sleep. We’ll leave this whole topic for another day. You folks may be surprised at the content of dreams. One man’s normal is another man’s nightmare. I’m the normal one here…

Let’s bounce the brain to science. Science takes hold of our lives and directs in the physics of daily living. My feet press on the ground and the ground presses back. Thank you for the push, ground. Not sure how this is relevant, but I felt like we should discuss the inner-workings of how we get around. Oooh, now we’re getting relevant. How do we get around, that’s a question that could be applied in all sorts of areas. I press my feet and the ground presses back, and this gives me forward motion. If I press on people and they press back, we can move forward. If I press and noting presses back, I make no progress (try running in the air). We work together with the physics afforded to us to move. If with have no force and counter force, we cannot move. And we wanna move, we gotta do the dance, we get to skip, jump, and hold hands through the movement. I do not fell if nothing is around. I have only myself to make the progress, and that is all but pointless.

What is the point if everything will die in the end? Why do we do the dance when we know the end result? If I had children, perhaps I would see this differently. But the future can be seen as a pointless exercise. This thought does not help. I have it, and somehow, I keep living while understanding the cold indifference of the universe in my plight. I can be aware of this without buying into the idea. I am aware of things, but I do not have to subscribe to such things. these things make me sad, and they make me fail in the motivation category. Where am I going after all this is over? I’m in the grave. So are you. You’re gonna die. Live with that knowledge. Make the most of this life. Why, you may ask. Because this is the only way to make life worth living. Shoot yourself in the face today if you can’t live with your life. There, solved all your problems. Although, this is merely a transfer of problems to those left living. You won’t care, you’re not here anymore. Well, you could ignore that advice and decide to live. Live this life. I don’t know exactly why. I do know that you don’t have a choice. You can either get busy living, or get busy dying. You will live until the moment you don’t. That’s okay. Don’t be mad at it. Accept it and move forward living a life you are happy with, that brings you joy, just be happy. If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong.

Fuck it all, go out, and have some fun! Just do that. Report back to me how much better you feel when you wake up in the morning. This is fun, and crazy people abound, and rude people suck, and mean people exist, and assholes are to be ignored. It only matters how much joy you put into the world. Strengthen your joy and provide joy to others. That’s all it takes. Make the decision to be happy, and live that happy life. This life is easy. Okay, yeah, it’s hard, but it’s that simple kind of easy. Eat, sleep, clothes are optional, and find someone you love. Move the fuck on, and just go. I can’t encourage this enough, and the words would repeat in circles and more circles inside of circles intersected by circles tangentially related to the other circles, all circling back to the same conclusion. Go fucking live, smile, and have fun!

I miss the future. The questions have not been asked, but we can have the answers. We can have templates of answers to fit into future happenings. I guess the future can be missed if this moment is not the one we desire as an end result. Stupid decisions that we regret, fuck ’em. We did that. Not ashamed. Shameless confidence. Do some shit, and don’t look back. But do look forward. I’m not advocating for the repeat of so-called “bad” decisions. Did I let you down, did I make you angry, do you agree? Get over it. I forgot about it. So many things I can’t remember, but I remember so many other things. It’s too much to handle, but it’s not. We will get through this. We will live. Well, unless you followed through with shooting yourself in the face, that’s a tough one to survive, but you might. Wouldn’t that suck? Half-blown-off head, and then you gotta continue forward and follow the rest of the advice in this one. You survived, and now you must move forward. That’s life. Do it, or don’t. That’s on you. As for me, I’m living. I’m flying high. I’m better every day. How do I do this? I don’t know. I just do. Gump is our inspiration here. “Because you told me to, Drill Sergeant!” Your life is your own to choose. Fear not, my friends. You have the power to change everything around you.

This is Learning Made Hard.

I hope you are well. I don’t like the distance. The physical distance is not the issue. The emotional distance is painful. Do not concern yourself with me. Think only of yourself. You are free.

I say these things here because you will never read them. I can speak without fear. I only speak because you are not around. I am working on myself. You’re not around, and I don’t do this for you. I know this because you’re not around. I do this for me. I desire to be better. Better for me is also better for the next. Others can benefit from a better me. You will likely never see the difference, and that is okay. I’m learning to do for myself. I am learning that I am worth my love. I am worthy of love. I have worth. I can give to the world. I give these words. I give you what you ask for. I give freely. I have no expectations from you. Any word from you is a blessing.

I am working hard to learn this. I am working hard to get this in my head. I am not sure I like it. I do it for you.

This is Learning Made Hard.

By special, we are talking about those who care for us. Example time…

Do I hold a special place in the life of another? Mom, probably an obvious answer. Friends, a more difficult answer. Significant other, equally as difficult. Our friends may have a place in their lives for us. I still find myself questioning whether every other person gets the same treatment. There are indications that all of the actions would be taken with any other person who might stand in front of them.

The special here is related to whether others receive the exact same treatment. These may just be the standard, and we are receiving the standard treatment because we are there. If we are gone, others would receive the same treatment. For me, this is not the case. Certain people hold special positions. I share with some, and I do not share with others. I wonder if they understand this. They probably don’t think about it. Maybe their minds don’t run full tilt at all times, causing the mind to bounce from one thought to the next, looking for something to cling to, identifying ideas that are worthwhile and those without worth.

Distractions abound… Close the others and focus on what’s in front of me. There goes that mind again… Bouncing… Had to do something.

I’m back for real. The special relationships are a farce for the ages. When we are gone, physically distant, we are replaced. Our thought fades, and those people fade. The new people take that position. This is true for me, and my assumption is that it’s true for others. Those people will be replaced. We need people to confide in. We need those close relationships. If the person leaves, they are replaced. If we go away, they are replaced. It is natural. But is it?

We can’t cling to the past and hope it will become the future once again. I don’t think my past was the best days. I believe the future holds the best days. The future holds the best relationships. For single guys like me, it must hold something better. I see these young women dating and marrying older men. Will I be that older man one day? Obviously, yes, I will be an older man. The question remains, will I be the one who becomes special to another person. The other person in this context might be a wife. Might be. It also might be the case that I find no one to hold this special position. I cannot say. I do not know today.

I have a special type of mind. I am loyal, and I would like to be loyal to a small number of people, the quality being exalted over quantity. Some live by a different philosophy. What have we lost due to fear? The lights shine and the music plays, but we leave because we’re scared we will fall to the ground, never to return again. I have mentioned this fear before, the fear that I will never find another. This has never been proven to be true, but the pattern has held steady.

As I write this one, I notice how much fear has crept into these writings. When does the fear go away? The answer jumped out as soon as I wrote that question. Never. The fear is good, and it drives action to avoid the negative consequences that are possible. But when the fear takes over and prevents action, I am lost. I am in the grip of fear and cannot move forward. I cannot find out why I have been so paralyzed. My past actions do not show a pattern of making right decisions. But it certainly does show a pattern of learning. The mind simple wanders to whether the learning has been used to change future action so as to not fall back into the same old thinking. Memory is key. I must remember the lesson and not get caught by that fear. I’m thinking about the sweetness of life. I’m thinking of life’s bitter moments. I’m thinking, but am I truly learning?

Learning consists of working knowledge. The usefulness of the learning. We must be able to take what we learned and change future action to be in line with the lessons. Special, it’s a concept I have little grasp on. It could be a concept that I wish were true but does not actually exist. This is movie shit. TV and movies give us a warped view of the world. Books are not much better. These are fantasy. They do not exist. But those statements may be false in themselves. I am trying to convince myself of something so I feel better about my choices. I must find a way to turn a positive out of a negative. Learning is the only benefit that comes from bad decisions.

I slit the throat of my possibility. I cannot be president, and mayor might be a stretch. This is why I have shied away from politics. One of the reasons, but we’re not going down that road today. Shoot that fucker in the head and let him die. This pronoun refers to me, in the figurative sense. I gave up on suicide as a viable option not too long ago. In the scheme of life, nothing is too far away. 20years ago, I can say that now. I’m getting beyond the years I had hoped. I am beyond the age where I would have like to see my success flourish. This shit sucks. But hey, I learned, right? Let’s hope so. Patterns of behavior repeat, and I take the moments to recognize those patterns so I can change them.

Will I fall or will I survive? Some wanted to break me. I wanted to break me. I certainly tried. If I couldn’t kill myself, I’m not sure anyone else will be able to do such things. I am unaffected by the outside world, I have enough effect, and I affect more than other could.

Now I begin to question whether I am truly unaffected. The world has a profound effect on me. The external reality is barely reality at all because it all takes place in my mind, colored by the lens. Let’s bring this to a close. Do I hold a special position in the mind of another?

One friend calls me to share things, and another friend fails to share something they once shared. I’m confused by the actions of others. There is a one-sided nature that haunts me. I give and I do not receive. This is only true because I do not receive what I want. There’s also the bullshit about getting what we need instead of what we want. Thanks, Batman, go fuck yourself. The story I tell myself is to convince myself that I have what it takes to move forward with strength. The skin thickens, and I care not for others. Jaded is the result. This may be good, it may be bad, but only my thinking provides such definitions.

Do I tell people these things? Do I ask if I’m special? Is open communication a benefit? Does this sound like a cry for attention and insecurity? I don’t know how others see these questions. They might have the same questions, but we are all too afraid to ask each other for fear stands in the way. Oh no, they may think we are less than they currently believe. This can’t be because without such open communication, it is all an assumption. It is blind. There is light that can shine, but fear again. I think you know where this is going. Fear, choice, growth, learning, these are all lonely concepts. They take place in the solitude of the mind. Fear prevents sharing such thoughts. Choice plays its role in allowing us to grow. Growth comes from a motivation to be more than we are today. Learning is what happens when we fuck this shit up. Learning does not happen in success, it happens in failure.

I am but a broken man. I have no sense of self. I only make efforts to grow. I make choices to move past fear. Skills and ability overcome fear every time. Skills and ability come from work. So, I guess we gotta work… Fuck this… Work was not something I wanted to do in this life. Rephrase please. Work on obtaining the goals that are placed upon me by others, that’s not what I want in life. I want to fly the skies like a bird, and fly far far away. I want to clear the dust from my mind. I am on the edge of that nest, getting ready to jump. Somehow, I’m scared to make the leap. So, I piss off the person behind me so I am forced out of this nest. Is it the preferred method? Not at all. It would be preferred to have the courage to leap on my own. But I am overcome by fear, and waste time bullshitting.

I am not special. I do not hold these special places in the hearts of others. I do not hold that space in the heart of anyone. I am but a lonely man who barely holds a special place in his own heart. The worst part about being smart is I pretty much always know what’s going to happen. I have a lot to learn. I must learn to love myself. It is my hope for us all that we can come to love ourselves more deeply, that we can know ourselves more intimately, that we can let go of the fear, that we can grow, that we can choose a different path, that we can learn, that we can stop hating ourselves for our past, that the future holds greater days and better people than we’ve met in the past.

This is my hope for you.

This is Learning Made Hard.

My fears stem from the possibility that my hard work will be unrewarded. That doesn’t quite capture what I mean here, let’s try again to define what I’m talking about. I am afraid that I will be left behind. This is more like it. I am not confident in what I’m doing right now so I will change course to try and get to the end point faster. Conspicuously, this has never seemed to work the way I wanted it to.

Pick and stick. That’s something I wrote about years ago, which I have failed to follow. My fear gets the best of me in these instances, and I am left bouncing to the next thing. This holds true in career and relationships. One thing I have stuck with the longest is one of my hobbies. You don’t get to know the specifics here, and it’s not important what the actual hobby is.

The most present example is that AMC stock. I watched it run up, and I never bought in. I watched the opportunity pass by, and I justified my decision along the way. It reaches a point, however, where I am kicking myself for not making the decision to act when the opportunity was right in front of me. I then bought in at the high, all-time high. Just gambling folks. The fundamentals do not support the valuation, but neither did Gamestop, and that thing ran all the way up. Am I justifying again? Perhaps. I am looking at possibility here, and I can rationalize any decision. Whether that decision turns out positive or negative, I am always learning. I cannot fail, only learn, grow, and become better for the experience. What have I learned?

Roll those dice, fuck it let’s ride. FILR stocks. Fuck It Let’s Ride. This post is not about investing (or gambling) advice. I am not at all qualified to give such advice. What’s the point if I keep rambling about bad decisions? There is also the career choice. I see rich people in an industry, and I want to be in that industry. There are happy people that I see in certain positions, and I want to be in that position. There are happy people living in Southeast Asia, and I want to be there. There are many things I see that I don’t have, and I want those things. Interestingly enough, those things could be mine if I only had made the choice to stick with one thing. If I can do one thing well, I will have all the things I desire. If I help enough other people get what they what, I will get what I want.

Are these addictive behaviors? I ask this question because it feels like drugs when I make these decisions. I may get manic tendencies, and I act on them. I currently want to build a lighting apparatus that will outshine the world. How many lumens are enough lumens? How bright is bright? Can I do enough research to know? Will I miss out if I make a decision? What if it’s not enough? What if I fuck it all up? Ain’t that what we’re trying to avoid?

Remember, we cannot fail. I can say that, but everything inside me screams that I can fail. Do I get a second chance through my children? Simply, no. I cannot co-opt their lives to my own purposes. I make my own decisions, and I do not make the decisions for others. Shoulda, coulda, woulda…

Relationships. Maybe if I said the right things, it might not have gone this way. Never would have gone this way. Maybe that’s the problem because I still kinda think it was up to me, when I never could have made you stay. All I do is get over my decisions. I am bad at this, and I let myself fall into this trap. I fall back into your eyes, and you melt my heart, melt my desires, melt everything inside me to make me want to throw it all away to have the opportunity to see you once again. I’m bad at it. I let myself hope. I let myself do these things, and I constantly question whether it’s the right thing.

Was it my decision at all? Again, simply, no. This is the life of another. I cannot force myself into their lives, and I cannot be so full of pride and hubris to think it was all up to me. If I think this, I am discounting the other part of this equation, that other person. I am happy to allow them to go. Haha, yeah right! I just said some shit that I want to believe. Shitty party, I don’t believe it. I say these things over and over again with the hope that my mind will eventually believe these things. Does that negative voice stand in the way of me finding the true happiness that underlies this life?

I don’t have any good answers today. Another, unrelated, point is what I believe of the relationships I have. I did put a stop to some sex with a friend recently. I love having sex, but I don’t love the consequences and strains it puts on a relationship. I’m not ready, and I don’t know if I ever will be. This sucks, realizing that I may never be able to love (sometimes, I write sentences that I know to be false only to find myself talking through that initial thought, this is one of those times). I am able to love. Love, the verb, is easy to do. It is painful though. Where is the good part of loving someone? I don’t even fucking know. I haven’t had luck with this. Every time I give of myself, I get burned. That previous sentence is best stated in the past tense. Every time in the past that I gave of myself, I was burned. I fell and crashed into the rocky chasm below. This is something my mind has come to know. It is a thing I expect, and for that reason, I am hesitant in taking action. I fear losing. I fear I will make the wrong decisions.

My fear of missing out stems from a deeper fear that I will be judged, that I am not good enough, that I will lose out on love, receiving love. Giving love is easy. I keep saying that because it is easy. It can get hard though. The difficulty arises when the fear creeps in. These fears we just mentioned. I don’t have a fucking clue on a day-to-day basis. I am just bumbling my way through this nonsense. This whole thing is chaotic and weird. This is normal, and normal involves change. The give and take of life is hard to handle because we can never predict what will be taken and what will be given. I have desires, and they never quite materialize in the way I imagined.

Walk away for a couple minutes….. And we’re back (you’ll never know how many minutes I was gone).

That thought train left the station, and I wasn’t on it. Am I afraid that I missed out? Yes, slightly. This fear, however, is only temporary. The thoughts come and go, and I don’t need to hold them all.

There’s an issue that’s been weighing on my mind, and I hesitate to even write about it. What if that person reads this?! Fuck it. If I don’t write about it, nothing will change; if I do write about it, nothing will change. There is only positive that come from writing. If that person reads this and decides it’s too much, well that’s a good thing. If they read it and like it, well that’s a good thing too. My fears get the best of me because I have a sense that if I do write it, she will be gone (just as the others have gone). But was she ever really there in the first instance? Most, and all, things are temporary. Why should I cling so tightly? Why do I fear a change in the current circumstances? I am not one to speculate, but here you find me speculating. Here goes….??

I made a friend, and I admire this friend. I like this girl, as a friend. I must repeat that. How do friendships blossom into something more? I’ve never seen this, but I have read about it. There are movies made about this. A lot of drama TV has this as a central theme. Won’t they just realize they should be together? The audience is hoping for it, and yelling at the screen for the characters to know. The point here is to explore thoughts and try to learn from them. Taking the thoughts and placing them in an objective format to be examined. Why should I fear saying my thoughts? FOMO, that’s why. If I say these things, I may miss out on something. Is this true though? Nah man, this ain’t true at all.

I can’t see myself going down that road. My mind might receive these thoughts, but that doesn’t mean they are true. I can think until the thought is all that remains. The original event, the reality, is no longer visible, and the dust covers up who I really am. The clutter and chatter in the mind make it possible to cover myself and the reality around me. I don’t want to do this, but I do this. Then I can think all the way through and convince myself otherwise. It would never work, our lives are too different, we are at different stages in life, I want something different, etc. There’s a lot of “different” in that statement. What is the same? We are both good people trying to be better, we have a common sense of right and wrong, we share laughter, and the way we smile around each other, these are all similar. Will it settle on the differences, or will it be the similarities? I cannot say, mostly because I don’t have a damn clue.

Finish with this thought: the future is what it is, allow it to unfold. Pick and stick. Find something you enjoy and continue to do that. Do not worry about missing out. Those people are jealous of you, and you don’t realize how good you have it. Don’t place expectations on the future. This will lead to disappointment because the future is never quite what we imagine, and our hopes can be shattered if we cling to tightly to what could be. What could be, that’s none of my business. What could have been, that’s not even true. This could have been, and it is. Nothing else will do. How do I convince myself to accept this? When does the contentment set in? Can I be happy even with my decisions that got me to this point? Where do I find happiness? Can I find a best friend that can be my best friend for longer than a few months? Have I met this person yet? We must do what’s in front of us today, and we will leave tomorrow for tomorrow. I can only change tomorrow by changing my actions today. My actions feed back into my thoughts just as the thoughts fuel the action. Desire drives us into something new; fear results in stagnation. Will I be the river moving to the end, or will I be the mucky waters of stagnation?

This is Learning Made Hard.

The titles of these articles typically describe where the article begins, but it rarely determines where the article will end. This is common among articles because thoughts must weave their way through the process of being thought and then out a ways to the tangentially related concepts and somehow, if possible, find their way home to the original concepts. That’s just science.

Relationships can get complicated when multiple layers of the friendship exist. How do we determine if the friendship has too many layers? I can’t give a definitive answer on this concept, but we can attempt a description. If only for the sake of illustration, and not an exhaustive, comprehensive answer, we may provide such descriptors to the ideas.

Get to the point already, I say to myself. We’re dancing around with pseudo-definitions.

The people we surround ourselves with can make or break the future we build for ourselves. In business and in life, we are constantly meeting new people. These people are folded into the fabric of our lives. We can have them for but a moment, or they may continue and add to the pattern being brought forth. It is also quite a difficult task to determine who will stay and who will go. But, no matter. We cannot be so wrapped up in the thought that we miss the daily happenings.

This brings to mind a recent concert I attended (not sure how much we can call these concerts, but that’s not the point here). People stared at their phones instead of the stage. This phenomenon is not new, nor is it unexpected. There is a culture of capture surrounding us. Capturing moments on film and enjoying them another time is oddly more important than the original event. I have only 1 video from that night, and it’s because I saw some cool shit that I’d never seen before. The memory lives in my mind, and it has not been shared on the social media outlets.

This social media stuff, there’s a lot to say about that. It has become the official news outlet for many, and it has become the life of many. Is this good, bad, something, or what not? I will not attempt to sway your opinions on this matter, convincing is not the aim here. I will share my thoughts, and you can take or leave them.

This social media stuff has become a center point of life. It is the way the majority of people connect with other people these days. These connections feel shallow to me. If I have never met a person, how do they become a part of my life? Memories and communications are the necessary components of a lasting friendship. We make memories with time in proximity together through events that stand out as memorable. Shared experiences are required here. Communication creates opportunity for us to share thoughts and ideas. These moments draw us near to the other. The time is a direct proportion to the strength of the relationship. How much time does this person take in my life?

This measure of time could be in good scenarios, and it can be in the bad. Bad relationships grow just the same as good relationships. Do not be deceived into thinking that not liking something is strong enough of a reason to prevent the effects of the time-relationship equation. Good grows as bad grows. Take the time to make the choice. Which relationships will get the time, which ones will you grow?

We can stop here with this conclusion. Relationships are fostered by time. The persons we spend the most time with become the people we are connected to. The threads binding us together do not discern between the good and the bad. Those are just made-up concepts that take on meaning from our own views. Not really our own views because the views are just inherited from our past unless shined upon with self-reflective light.

Audit. Choose. Live in accordance with your own values. That’s just science.

This is Learning Made Hard.

We can care for others during the difficult times, but we can’t save them, nor can we rescue them. My magic wand went missing years ago, and I’m kinda glad for that. I must realize that my best is just supporting the ones I care for during the bad times, and the good. It’s a much better position for all involved.

It’s helpful to listen. When I try to fix things, I am doing nothing but dismissing the feelings of the person I would like to fix. There is nothing wrong with them. I’ve been through this multiple times before, and I fucked it all up in the past. As a man, everything looks like a problem to be solved. How can I rescue them from the situation? Well, I can’t. She’s not the Mario Princess I saved as a kid. She’s not Snow White. She’s not Sleeping Beauty who can be saved with a kiss. I can’t slay her dragons. I cannot defeat that evil witch who made her eat that apple. She’s not helpless. She’s a fucking T-Rex! She will kick the ass of all those demons and bad guys. I can be a home base, and I can sharpen her sword while she defeats them, but I can’t do it for her. I won’t try. She does not need me to do it for her. She’s a bad-ass motha fucka.

I will say this: These are temporary. You will get through this. I will be here while you work your way to the other side. You are not alone. I see you. I care for you. If you do need anything, please ask. I won’t jump in there to fix you. You are perfectly capable of handling this on your own, but you will not be alone while you work on your own. You can handle this. You’re a bad-ass motha fucka, and you are strong enough to take care of business.

I will do this: Hug you, give you an ear (both of them), encourage you, support you, show compassion, ask for nothing in return, provide a place for you to feel safe, be strong for you (to the best of my ability), allow you space, allow you to take moments to yourself, allow you to vent, allow you the emotional space and mental breathing room you need, give of my time, not try to fix you, not try to fix the situation, not take away your power, allow you to be you, leave a vacancy on my shoulder for you to rest and regroup, and be a friend.

Maybe, big Maybe, I can offer some advice, but only if she asks. I perhaps can help with guidance, but I wouldn’t presume to think she needs it. I want her to know she’s not alone. You’re not alone, I will say. You’re supported, I will say. If she reads this, she’ll know.

I write this, not for her, but for me. I am exploring ways to help her grow into the woman of power she already is. Help, that’s all we’re talking about here. But it is damn hard to just sit back and watch. Everything inside me is screaming, Save Her! And then the voice of reason, the voice of compassion takes the lead. Good thing.

We discussed compassion recently. Show it. Live it. Give freely. Give genuinely. Don’t be the smothering type, the dismissive type. And if she’s sweaty, tell her she needs a shower. White lies do more harm than good. Remember, we are who we think others think we are. Do not deceive others in this sense. They may get a false sense of who they are. When this house of cards crumbles, I would be left as the lying guy. Is there a chance that they would like me more because I’m the one who tells them they’re beautiful when they look weird? I won’t test this theory because I have already tested it, and it never worked out in the past. Honesty coupled with compassion is the path I choose to take. And I can still like them when they’re smelling funky. If appropriate, I could offer to wash their back, because that needs washing too LOL.

Knowing the audience is once again key. A cornerstone of good relationships is keeping within the boundaries set by others. It shows respect. Be respectful of boundaries; it is the ultimate form of love. Not that romantic type, but the caring type. Some will know the difference. Others will be confused by trying to wrap their heads around the difference. I have always been confused by this. Yes, always. I can’t seem to tell the difference at times, especially with the opposite sex. I’ve been actively trying to develop friendships. Here’s a bit of brutal honesty about my past. I slept with most of the women I knew from five years ago and before (gasp!! I’m not a virgin haha (at this age, none of us are)). I didn’t much show respect for who they were as people. At least not the kind of respect that I now believe they deserved. But this doesn’t hold true for all situations. I am still friends with a lot of these ladies. Our relationships developed, and it was never an emotional thing, it was a physical thing. Today, this is different, but it’s not fixed entirely. It’s an ongoing effort. I can’t do it once and think I’m cured. I ain’t that naive. We ain’t kids no more.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child; but when I became a man, I put away those childish things. This transition did not take place on my 18th birthday, and not even my 28th birthday, perhaps it was at 38, hard to draw the line because I’m still just a big kid at heart. It’s a childish curiosity, not a childish state of mind, and it’s a playful sense, not childish thinking, it’s the fun in life that matters. If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong. Some days, I do it wrong. I’ll never be “there.” I’m a flawed work in progress. On the day I pass out of this world, in that moment, I will be perfect. I hope it doesn’t come too soon. If time happened all at once, life would indeed be pointless. When time travel is figured out, I’m not sure how that will affect the lives of people. Can we say it is never invented because we have never seen the future person? Nah, I have hope. Those future people will take classes in the rules of time travel. They would never let on that they were from the future because this would fuck shit up. Do no harm. Don’t fuck shit up.

We’ll make it through this, and we won’t be affected to such a degree as time creates that objective distance, allowing us to reflect. With practice, the time between event and reflection lessens. Meditate, and this time can be reduced. Active practice makes us better at all skills. Control the mind. Mind control!? Fuck yeah! Oh, this is self-control, not mind control of others, bummer…

You mean I gotta work?? Nobody said there would be work involved. Yeah, right… I’ve been saying that all along. Do the work, make progress, grow in strength, grow in self. That’s the work.

This is Learning Made Hard.