This is certainly an interesting topic, change. Change is the constant and ever-present evolution of who I am. As I learn, grow, and experience, I get to use those moments to strengthen my mind and my self. Strengthened and fortified in preparation for the unavoidable adversity that is just down the road. These changes are often viewed in positive or negative light, depending on how we choose to view and use.

The first view, perception, may not be the one we settle on in the end. It is only this first perspective that gives the first possible future. Every thought is leading to a different possible future. That's a difficult concept to visualize, and we don't need to untangle the web of events that leads to the end.

It's not necessary to look back. That's not a required task. That task seems to happen without intention and the randomness of the mind fills it in. Putting aside the thoughful rhetoric, I now turn to our titular discusssion.

Change is whatever I want it to be. From these most recent changes, I grow. I improve. I have some feedback to work with. I can be better than I was, and I am not forced to repeat this. It is my choice on how to proceed from here. It will take effort to get to the "better" place, but I have the ability to do the work, change my brain, and choose differently.

I have learned to break the past cycles that keep me stuck. Those that might keep me stuck in my head, blaming, regretting, mourning, those thoughts can create spirals and loops. The looping is the stuckness. I see myself in a loop. I watch myself being stuck in a thought cycle only serving to bring me back down to a manageable level. The head might ask who I thought I was to have something so great. The questions, the doubt, the insecurity, all creep into the mind and find support in the past. The mind is excellent at making the connection and saying, Ah-Hah! I figured out why I suck, and that's connected to everything, and quitting feels appropriate. That doesn't always help. It probably hurts actual progress in most instances. Being good at drawing connections, reading conclusions into those connections, these skills are hurtful if no controlled. The mind is a beautiful thing, a wonderful servant, but a bad master. We use our minds as a tool to navigate and succeed in the world. The mind on auto-pilot would only keep us safe from harms; all harms, emotional, physical, social, all equal in the mind. We are the objective observer who sees these thoughts, with a mixed capacity to direct the thoughts and use the mind as the tool it was meant to be. I can step outside myself and observe the actor doing the thing. I can step out once more and observe the observer. When trying to step out even one more layer, I lose the clear picture. The 4th layer of removal shows me very clearly that I am not the thoughts in the 1st level actor. Those thoughts do not control me. I am the observer, and the observer's observer, and it's turtles all the way down. I can always remove myself one more layer and question the current happenings of the mind. Because I am always capable of observation, at what point do I truly get a mirror?

Endng on that random question feels appropriate. The mirror comes from another. I am looking to another to help me through this change. I am not sure if the mirror that I had will be available anymore. I suppose it could be time to write the chapter on loss. This about change is inspired by loss. Loss is a change. Losing a best friend and partner is change to it all.

There were plans and concepts of plans to build this life. I look to our home that we built. In such a short time, we made this house a home. It was her, she did the decorating. I helped, but I just love watching that look on her face when we get something cool. When she looks excited, I get so filled with joy. I want to give her the world, and I often fall short. Do I have to accept it? I am fighting like hell over here to not lose my favorite. Is that best fought in silence and allowing it to rest, or is it fought with the declarations of love that we see across the movies. Am I running to the airport to stop a flight? Or does she genuinely want and need space. The fear is constant that giving the space means she will be lost. I did this before, and I thought my actions were a mistake, my actions were doing nothing and letting her go, and now she's gone. So it kinda feels like it backfired. But, it's early. Give it time. Have some hope. Embrace the change.